Written by Deathspork 1/13/2000
Hello all, and welcome back to the DST arena. Deathspork here, back after a 5 month absence and ready to kick things off in the new millenium.
Crowd: (fervent applaud and cheers)
And what a match we're gonna have for you coming up, tonite it's gonna be... (just then the stadium goes dark) What the.... ( a few more moments of silence, besides the small talk amongst a few audience members, is stopped by a heavy guitar beat coming on over the loud speaker. It's AC/DC's 'Son of Bitch' [sic*] being played at 40 decibels. You can see the silhouette of a buff bald dude walking towards the ring)
Deathspork: Who the hell is that! He's not fighting tonight!
(the man walks into the ring and the music fades out until it completely stopped, when the lights come back on you see that it's a Turkish looking man with a knot on his head)
Deathspork: Why... it's Bald Bull ladies and gentlemen! Champion in the Punchout!! series!
(Bald Bull snatches the mic)
Bald Bull: (in a tough sounding voice)Can it Sporky, I'm not here to make friends (DS backs off). I'm sure no one here wants to see whatever weenie little fight you have in store for them. DST should be BOTW, Battle of the Weenies, HAHAHA (Bald Bull is the only one laughing at his stupid joke). I'm sure you're just gonna get two girly men from easy little N64 or PSX games. Well I'm sure no one wants to see that, that's why I'm issuing an open challenge to anyone back there who wants to fight me. ANYONE. I'm sure I could take on anything you got back there in the locker room, Sporker. (crowd sighs as they see he has no intention of ending his speech). I come from the last of a tough breed, I cut my teeth on the NES, back when videogames were hard, back when you'd spend a few hours on a boss like me, back before you could beat a game by looking at it and saying "Boo". What do you got now? Pokemon, the most pathetic piece of trash I've ever seen in my life. How do you win? You throw balls at a bunch of furry animals, back in my day that would have been scoffed at, throwing balls around like that. The end boss of the game is 12 year old little weenie boy, oooh what a great game. I get to throw balls at little boys, how fun,oooohh..
(Just then, a voice cries out from the crowd)
Voice: Hold it right there! I'll fight you! And I'll beat you too!
Bald Bull: Finally, someone with pair heavy enough to challenge me... your stupidity is unfortunate.
Voice: We'll see about that, Mr. Bull
(the camera pans in on the crowd, at first, you can't see who it is making the challenge, but when the challenger walks up to the guard rail, you see that it is none other than Ash Ketchum. Bald Bull falls on the floor laughing his ass off)
Bald Bull: (after he gets up) Oh boy, this is rich, this is more than I can stand. I don't know if I can go through with this fight, I'd be laughing too hard, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ash: Whatsa matter baldy, are you scared?
Bald Bull: (still laughing) HAHAHAHAHAHA, (catching his breath), OK, you got a deal, just dont throw too many of your balls at me, HAHAHAHAHAHA
Deathspork: .....well, then ... I guess it's official. Our match tonight will be Bald Bull vs. Ash Ketchum, Bald Bull obviously has the strength advantage here, but Ash has a hundred and fifty one pokemon up his sleeve. Either way it should be interesting.
Welcome one, welcome all, to this explosive DST match up. Deathspork here, and it looks like tonights fight is gonna be absolutely brutal. We have Bald Bull from Punchout!! vs. the ten year old Ash Ketchum. Odds are 30 to 1 in favor of Bald Bull, and the videogame stars turned out in droves to watch the match and bet on Bald Bull. Just looking around the audience I see Samus Aran there in the third row, and there's Jagger Freud a few seats to the right, and wow, look who it is folks, Cloud Strife! Hey Cloud come on over let me get a word with you.
Cloud: Hey DS! Great matchup here tonight.
Deathspork: Yes. Tell me, though, do you fear for your life right now? I mean, you've been pulverized and killed at every DST match so far, do you think there is a curse?
Cloud: No not at all, it's just a coincidence that I've been murdered at every previous DST match I've attended.
Deathspork: How is it that you keep coming back then?
Cloud: Fenix downs, Spork
Deathspork: Ah yes, I forgot. So who do you have money riding on tonight?
Cloud: Bald Bull of course. Ash doesn't stand a chance. I don't think ANYBODY bet on Ash.
Deathspork: Actually, I know two people who did bet on Ash. Jesse and James from Pokemon were here earlier and the bookie informed me that they bet on Ash.
Cloud: Really! Surprising, seeing as to how they are arch enemies and all.
Deathspork: Yes I know, it is a surprise, I guess those two have been foiled by Ash and his friends so many times that they know how tough he can be. But still, this is Bald Bull we're talking about. Well nice talking to ya Cloud but we have to begin the match, I'm hoping you don't die.
Cloud: Alright see ya
Deathspork: (as he turns to face the camera after Cloud leaves) All right then folks, that's one mans opinion on the matchup tonight, and I'd have to say that the majority of the house here would have to agree with him. Let's get the ball rolling then shall we? In the blue corner, wieghing in at a mean 275 pounds, former champion of the Nintendo Boxing Major Circuit, the Turkish Terminator, Baaaaaaaaalllld BUUUUUuuuuuuuulll.
Crowd: (massive applause, with a few hoots and hollers)
Deathspork: And in the red corner, weighing in at a ridiculous one hundred and ten pounds, the world champion of Pokemon, the ham from Japan, ASH KEEEeetCHUUUUuuuum.
Crowd: (a little applause. A few boos at first, then they escalate into about half the crowd booing him)
Deathspork: And our referee tonight, brother to the all-time world champion of all things Nintendo, LUUUUIIIIGII MAAARIIOOOOOOOOOooooo. Luigi is in to start the match.
Luigi: Now I want a good clean fight. Actually I want a mean and rotten fight, and I don't think the DST board of directors really give a shit either. Just try not to kill him too much Baldy, now LET'S GET IT ON!!
"Ash is off to a fast start, he lays a few punches on Bald Bulls stomach and quickly evades what would have been a crushing blow to the head by Bald Bull. I don't even think Ash can reach above his chest, but that's what they said about Little Mac too. Ash continues to back up while Bald Bull still continues swinging on him, it looks like Ash's strategy is to wear him out, he knows he has more energy than the old turk. OW! Ash steps in for a punch and is just slammed into the ground by one punch to the head by Bald Bull, it doesn't even look like Ash can recover from that, and it's just the first punch. Bald Bull is getting brutal, he stomps away at Ash a few times before Luigi steps in to break it up. Ash slowly rolls away, Luigi is arguing with Bald Bull in the corner, giving Ash some dearly needed recovery time. What's he pulling out there? Why, it's a pokeball! The crowd goes wild as they're going to get to see real live pokemon in the ring. As Bald Bull is stepping back into the action, he is hit square in the face by Ash's pokeball, which then rolls down onto the ground, let's see what comes out...."
Ash: Tauros, I CHOOSE YOU!
"WOW! With a zap of energy a real life Tauros comes into play. Ash may not be so helpless after all, let's see how Bald Bull does against a REAL bull. Tauros is circling around Bald Bull, who still has his poker face on, Tauros goes in for the charge! Wow! Bald Bull successfully blocks it and now they have "locked horns". Bald Bull has Tauros by the horns, and is pushing towards Tauros while Tauros is doing the same to him, the match is at a stalemate. All the while Ash is in the corner just watching the match. Whoah! Bald Bull shifts his wieght around and flips tauros over into the opposite corner, Ash is astonished, Tauros is getting up a little, Bald Bull is revving up,...uh oh... could it be... BULL CHARGE!! Yes! Bald Bull crushes Tauros into the steel turnbuckle with a full speed Bull Charge, now Tauros is only good for making T-bone steaks. Now Ash is really scared, as he zaps Tauros back into the pokeball. If a Tauros didn't stop Bald Bull then I don't think anything Ash has will....."
Meanwhile, high, high above, in the rafters of the DST arena, where no one can see them, Team Rocket is hard at work on thier latest plan of villiany....
Jesse: Oh James, our plan is just genius!
James: Yes it is! When we cut the rope attached to this 2 ton anvil, it will fall down and onto Bald Bulls head, then Ash will win the match...
Meowth: And since we were the only ones to bet on Ash....
Jesse and James together: We'll get all the money!!!! Then we can buy all sorts of pokemon!!!!
Jesse: Ponytas and Arcanines and Goldeens...
James: and Raichus and Primeapes and, ooooooh maybe a Lapras..
Both: (with a dreamy look in thier eyes) Yeah....
Meowth: You two cut it out, we got work to do here, now James, where is that anvil?
James: Right here (putting his hand on the rope)
Jesse: Uh, James..
Meowth: That's a steel rope..
James: Yes I know, I figured it could support the wieght of the anvil better so I used a steel rope.
Jesse and Meowth together: HOW IN THE HECK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CUT A STEEL ROPE!!
James: Oh yeah, guess I didn't think about that..
Meowth: Enough talk, let's start cutting the rope (pulls out a 2 person handsaw) if we start now we might have it finished before the match is over... if we hurry.
Back down below in the DST ring, the match hasn't been going too well for Ash. He's brought out pokemon after pokemon and Bald Bull has taken care of them one by one...
Ash: Alright Doduo, Magikarp, Ekans and Nidorina, you are four of my last five pokemon, combined you may stand a chance, don't let me down. (the four pokemon are sweating bullets and obviously don't want to fight)
"Looks like another Bull Charge by Bald Bull, and this time he's gonna try for 4 in one. There he goes again, OOOooohh, that had to hurt, all four of Ash's pokemon jumped out of the ring, over the ropes and are running for the doors as they scream, meanwhile Bald Bull is hurting badly after hitting the cold steel. The tides are turning for Ash, and he needs to take advantage of the situation right now. As Bald Bull staggers to his feet, Ash throws out his last pokeball."
Ash: GO ZAPDOS!!
"A Zapdos, let's see how fast he is brutally murdered by Bald Bull. Zapdos is flying around Bald Bull's head, Bald Bull goes for to tackle the pokemon...."
ZZZZZzzzZZZZZZzzz ZAP CRACK POP
"Oh man, I can't watch.. Bald Bull is being fried, Ash may win after all, Zapdos isn't letting up, oh my.."
"Whew, finally Zapdos flies off, Bald Bull is hurt but recovering, I don't think any man can take that much voltage and survive. Where is Ash going? Oh man, it looks like Ash is searching for a steel chair, he's really getting brutal. Luigi steps out to stop him. What's this? Cloud Strife is going into the ring, it looks like to console Bald Bull".
Cloud: Bull, can you hear me? Listen, you gotta get up, you gotta win, I got 3 million gil going on this fight, if you lose you're gonna upset a lot of people...
(At that instant Bald Bull opens his eyes. His vision is highly blurred, and when he sees Clouds hair, he mistakes it for the Zapdos, and, well you should be able to figure out what happens...)
Cloud: Bull...Bull!? What are you looking at me like that for? OW OW ow ug u og uuuugg.....
"Oh my! Bald Bull must be mistaking Clouds hair for that Zapdos! He's really going to work on Cloud, who seems to be unconscious now, and Bald Bull shows no signs of letting up. At the same time, Ash is sneaking back into the ring with a steel chair in hand, as Luigi is urging him not to use it and trying to prevent him from doing so. Suddenly, Bald Bull stops pummeling Cloud. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Ash with the chair. Ash freezes in terror and Luigi makes a jump for it from mid ring all the way over the ropes. Bald Bull is pissed, OH MAN, Ashes pants are getting wet as Bald Bull slowly marches over to him, Cloud behind him, slumped down apparently dead in the corner. HOLY... SWEET MOTHER OF...!! OH MY GOD!! Bald Bull just.... oh man I can't even bring myself to say it, oh man, he just took Ashes head off, LITERALLY! He just ripped it off! THAT'S ONE PISSED OF SON OF A BITCH! He kicked the head right into the turnbuckle! Now he's walking out of the ring, real slowly, the crowd is puking all over the place at the sight of Ashes lifeless decapitated body lying in an ever increasing pool of dark red blood, people are bolting for the doors! I think I should join them! Bald Bull is the clear winner, I gotta go, 'til next time DST fans"! (DS drops his headset and joins the crowd headed out the door).
(2 hours later, when the stadium is mostly empty, save a few people....)
Meowth: (huff, puff, pant) Alright James, we almost got it, just a few more steel threads to cut, hoo, we need a break..
James: You said it, oh man I'm about to pass out.
Jesse: Get to work you two, no sense in stopping now when you are this close!
James: (pant pant pant).... right, lets get to it Meowth...
(Team Rocket isn't the only souls in the DST arena at this hour, for far, far below)
Cloud: uuuh, oh man, where am I? I'm? I'm? I'm alive!!? I didn't die!!!? WHOO HOO, a whole DST match and I DIDN'T DIE!! YOU HEAR ME, I DIDN'T DIE!!!!!
( CRASH )
Cloud: Me and my big mouth.... (dies)
* - Editor's Note: The song is actually Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog". There is no AC/DC song called "Son of a Bitch".