List compiled by: Kefkathe3rd
Edited by: James FP & Deathamster
It is better to give than receive - especially advice.
Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.
Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man are very much alike...both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem.
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn't have an ear for music.
Banker who sits in freezer will have frozen assets.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
A man may be a fool and not know it...but not if he is married.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret have no more secrets.
A 400 pound lady who likes both men and women is a bisexual built for two.
Husbands are like fires...they go out when left unattended.
Character is like a fence...it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone else.
Woman who gives away free potato chips will offer you a free Lay.
It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Surgeon who make mistake forced to take a cut in salary.
A virgin sleeping on a waterbed is called "cherry float".
Blowing into a blonde's ear is called Data transfer.
An "egghead" is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Man with head up ass can't see for shit.
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit!
Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.
Show off always shown up in showdown.
He who makes love in grass gets piece on earth.
A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
Look for helping hand on end of own arm.
Marriages are made in Heaven...So are thunder and lightning.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
A wise man makes sure that his wife's birthday cake is short one candle.
Jamaican proctologist is called Pok-e-mon.
An egotist is a person more interested in himself than in me.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If man doesn't try different sex with one woman, he shall try one sex with different women.
Real Estate people are a vacant lot.
"Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Man with hand in pocket is always on the ball.
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally-ill patient.
Man with poor vision can date anyone.
Man who put head in fruit drink get punch in nose.
Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker.
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
He who thinks only of number one must remember it is next to nothing.
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.
Women are like lawnmowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Hole happy, whole body happy.
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
When Einstein stared at his cousin's boobs, he discovered "Theory of Relative Titty".
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
Husband who sleep on couch last night have hard time today.
Dirty hands make your nose itch.
Men are like cement...after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Honor your personality flaws, for without them, you would have no personality at all.
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit...but not nearly as gratifying.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Man who keeps nose to the grindstone have sharp boogers.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Forgetful cow gives Milk of Amnesia!
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife that a fur coat will make her look fat.
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.
If your girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant.
Winnie The Pooh will get angry if you stick your finger in his honey.
A man who cries while he masturbates is a real tearjerker.
The only way you can get AIDS from a toilet seat is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy...but a social loser.
"Vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning, "lousy hunter".
Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite.
"Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.
If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped."
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.
Religious woman with hole in pocket feel holy all day.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Man who throw a cat out car window makes kitty litter.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.
Man with hard problem usually give it to woman.
Wise man buy prunes...get good run for money
Man who comes into money have sticky financial situation.
A rental car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief.
Woman like dollar bill; hard to pickup, but worth effort.
Question authority and the authorities will question you.
Always wear camouflage condoms; They won't see you coming.
Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.
Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.
If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.
The greatest of all faults is to be aware of none.
No time for your health today; no health for your time tomorrow.
Karaoke is a Chinese word meaning "tone deaf".
Oral sex makes one's day, but anal sex makes one's hole weak.
If someone calls you fat, don't get angry... just turn the other chin.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.
Man who says he knows how to control a wife is called a bachelor.
It's OK for schoolboy to masturbate, as long as it's not against his principal.
The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you're in a public restroom.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
New wives are like computers...they go down unexpectedly.
Best time to buy new mattress at first sign of spring.
He who sneeze without tissue take matter in own hands.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
People having gift of gab not know how to wrap it up.
When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
First breath of love is the last breath of wisdom.
The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.
Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there.
Man who kisses girl's behind get a crack in the face.
Learn to masturbate...come in handy.
Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
There is one thing that all smart asses have in common...wise cracks.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
"Tact" is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Dog may be man's best friend, but pussy not far behind.
Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.
Man who fall into an upholstery machine eventually be fully recovered.
Women are like rocks...we skip the flat ones.
People who say they never fart are full of hot air.
Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.
Putting teenager in prison won't stop his face from breaking out.
Love everybody, not every body.
If wise man marry, he become otherwise.
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.
It's ok to look back at the past...just don't stare at it.
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
He who sleeps on bed of nails is indeed a holy man.
Man who has money to burn makes an ash of himself.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things.
Girl who slides down bannister makes monkey shine.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
Man who dates dynamite lady gets big bang out of her.
He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
If you want a committed man, look in mental hospital.
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Woman who wears padded bra makes mountains out of molehills.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
To make egg roll, push it.
Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.
Girl's best asset is her `lie' ability.
He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae driver
He who sticks head in open window gets pane in neck.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Army like blow job; closer to discharge you get, the better it feels.
Woman who dance while wearing a jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Man who make love to cash register come into money.
Man who fondle girl having period get caught red handed.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
He who sniffs coke gets ice cube up nose.
Woman who springs on inner spring this spring gets offspring next spring.
Sex on beach is like American beer...very near water.
Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
Man who do business in whore house get jerked around
House without toilet is uncanny.
‘Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Butcher who back into meat-grinder get a little behind in his orders.
He who light the fuse of love get big bang.
'Tis better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.
Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Men and spray paint alike... One squeeze and they're all over you.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who shoot off mouth must expect to lose face.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack gets titbit.
He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf jumps for Joy.
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Woman is like jazz music---3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
Cows without legs are ground beef.
Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ.
Economy will go up and down when country is run by yo-yo's.
Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her.
Chinese couple who have white baby name it "Sum Ting Wong".
Lady who slide down bannister get slivers by cracky.
Man who date flat chested woman will be feeling low.
He who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.
Man who let woman on top will screw up.
Man who get hit by car get that run down feeling.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Sexy typist will bang on keyboard.
Sumo Wrestling is survival of the fattest.
'Tis better to sleep with old hen than pullet.
Many men bite, but Fu Man Chu.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have "crack up".
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Girl who sits on jockey's lap gets hot tip.
Girl who sits on judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.