TROY SINGS THE HITS: HIS WAY!

I put together all the "filksongs" that Troy has posted on FO's forums over the past few years. His early efforts were mainly resigned to changing key lyrics in the songs to be about him while leaving the rest alone, but he's gotten better and seems to be improving with each new one. I put the best two first.


  • I am Lord Boomerang
  • I Wanna Be Fat
  • Hollywood
  • I Type the Posts
  • Lookin' For a Whale
  • Mister Lord Boomerang
  • Troy's Got Big Balls
  • Dear Pirates of Port Saiid
  • The Great Mighty Troy
  • If I Were King of Ezboard
  • No One's Like King Troy
  • I'm TROY

  • I am Lord Boomerang
    (Parody of "I am Woman"
    by Helen Reddy)

    I am Troy, hear me roar
    And I am too big to ignore
    And I've grown too much to go back to size 10's
    'cause I've heard it all before
    And I've been down here on the floor
    No one's ever gonna keep me down again

    Oh yes I am wide
    Cause I like eating chocolate cake
    Yes, I've paid the price
    Look how much weight I gained... 0o
    If I have to, I can eat anything
    I am large (LARGE!)
    I am insatiable (INSATIABLE!)
    I am LORRRRRRRRRRRD BOOOOOOOOMERANG!!

    You can bend but never break me
    'cause it only serves to make me
    Look even more like my namesake boomerang
    And I come back even stronger
    And I'm growing ever longer
    When you throw me, I'll return to you again!

    Oh yes I am wide
    Cause I like eating chocolate cake
    Yes, I've paid the price
    Look how much weight I gained... 0o
    If I have to, I can eat anything
    I am large (LARGE!)
    I am insatiable (INSATIABLE!)
    I am LORRRRRRRRRRRD BOOOOOOOOMERANG!!

    I am Troy, watch me grow
    See me eating all your dough
    As I spread my hungry arms across the land
    But I'm still an embryo
    With a long long way to go
    Until I have the whole world in my hands

    Oh yes I am wide
    Cause I like eating chocolate cake
    Yes, I've paid the price
    Look how much weight I gained... 0o
    If I have to, I can eat anything
    I am large (LARGE!)
    I am insatiable (INSATIABLE!)
    I am LORRRRRRRRRRRD BOOOOOOOOMERANG!!

    I Wanna Be Fat
    (Parody of "I Wanna Be Rich"
    by Calloway)

    Hash browns...that's what I need

    These curly fries they are getting cold
    I like to eat them with A1 Bold
    Ain't got no time to be foolin' 'round
    Fork hits the plate and I'm chowin' down

    I want pizza, lots and lots o pizza
    I want my pie in the sky
    I want pork chops, lots and lots o pork chops
    And I ain't got a clue why...

    I wanna be fat! Oh...
    I wanna be fat!
    I wanna be fat! Oh...
    I wanna be fat!

    Full of rum, cheese, and flabbiness!

    I want my cake, wanna eat it, too!
    I want blue diamonds and yellow moons
    I spend my money on Lucky Charms
    My favorite sausage is Hickory Farms

    I want tacos, lots and lots o tacos
    I want that pie in the sky
    I want eggrolls, lots and lots o eggrolls
    Ain't got a fucking clue why

    I wanna be fat! Oh...
    I wanna be fat!
    I wanna be fat! Oh...
    I wanna be fat!

    Full of rum, cheese, and flabbiness!

    Hollywood
    (Written to the tune of "Blackjack"
    from Final Fantasy 6)

    And it's sung to the tune of the airship music from Final Fantasy 6:

    Hollywood!
    You know I'd be there right now if I could
    I'd be a star
    Sailing on a dream
    Loving everything
    And everyone it seems
    Would love me, too!

    Hollywood!
    I'd take the train to be there if I could
    Or an airplane
    But I ain't got no dough
    So where am I to go
    My hamster doesn't know
    He's my best friend!!

    Whoah, whoah!

    LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAA!!!

    Whoah, whoah!

    LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAA!!!

    If I disappear, will someone take my place?
    Will he have giant balls hanging from his waist?

    I Type the Posts
    (Parody of "I Write the Songs"
    by Barry Manilow)

    I've been eating forever
    And I drank the very first toast
    I put the bread and the butter together
    I am Lord Troy
    And I type the posts

    I type the posts that make the whole world sing
    I type the posts that show just how great I am
    I type the posts that make the losers cry
    I type the posts, I type the posts

    I like the taste of onions
    And I've got a hamster in my room
    Now, when I look through your window,
    You'll know it's me, because I'm a boom(erang)

    I type the posts that make the whole world sing
    I type the posts that show just how great I am
    I type the posts that make the lamers cry
    I type the posts, I type the posts

    Oh my posts are so great
    They give you reason to never hate (me)
    And I ate too many rolls, so I can't move
    Food fills my tummy,
    Because it's yummy, yummy, yummy,
    Have some cheese, have some stew,
    Some tofu, Tastee-Freez,
    It's a buffet - all you can eat!!

    I type the posts that make the whole world sing
    I type the posts that show just how great I am
    I type the posts that make the tossers cry
    I type the posts, I type the posts

    I am Lord Troy, and I type the posts

    Lookin' For a Whale
    (Parody of "Lookin' For a Love"
    by Bobby Womack)

    I'm lookin' for a whale
    (I'm lookin' for a whale)

    I'm gonna find
    I've got to find a whale

    I'm lookin' for
    Everyday I'm lookin' for a whale
    Well I'm
    And I'm lookin' here and there
    And I'm searching everywhere
    And I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'

    I'm lookin' for a whale
    Lookin' for a whale
    Well now
    And I'm lookin' here and there
    Searching everywhere
    Gotta, gotta, gotta
    I've gotta
    I've gotta find a whale

    A whale to swim up from the ocean
    And on the shore
    A whale to eat my plankton
    It's all over my floor
    A whale that has a little blowhole
    To shoot me through the door

    Yeah
    With lots of fat and blubber
    And 0o

    But right now oooooh
    I'm lookin' for a whale, yes sir
    Everyday of my life
    And I'm lookin' here and there
    And I'm searching everywhere
    And I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'
    I'm lookin'

    I'm lookin' for
    I'm lookin' for
    I'm lookin' for
    I'm lookin' for
    Oh yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah
    It might be over here somewhere 0o
    I'm gonna find it

    Come and get it
    I'm lookin' I gotta find a whale
    I'm just lookin' for
    I'm just gonna keep on lookin'

    I'm lookin' for a whale
    I'm gonna find it oh yeah
    Gotta keep on lookin'
    I need a whale to swim by my side
    I've gotta find a whale

    Mister Lord Boomerang
    (Parody of "Snow Miser"
    from The Year Without a Santa Claus)

    I'm Mister Lord Boomerang
    I'm Mister Troy
    I'm Mister Vice President
    I'm Mister Viceroy
    Friends call me Lord Boomerang
    What ever I touch
    Turns to 0o in my clutch
    I'm too much!

    He's Mister Lord Boomerang
    He's Mister Troy

    That's right!

    He's Mister Vice President
    He's Mister Viceroy

    Friends call me Lord Boomerang,
    What ever I touch
    Turns to 0o in my clutch

    He's too much!

    I never want to see a day
    When my hamster cannot sneeze
    I'd rather hang my underwear
    On the clothesline in the breeeeeeeeeeeeze!

    He's Mister Lord Boomerang
    He's Mister Troy

    That's right!

    He's Mister Vice President
    He's Mister Viceroy

    Friends call me Lord Boomerang,
    What ever I touch
    Turns to 0o in my clutch
    ...too much.

    Too Much!

    Troy's Got Big Balls
    (Parody of "Big Balls"
    by AC/DC)

    Well I'm upper Port Saiid high society
    God's gift to forum notoriety
    And I always fill the forum
    My posts are never small
    Even the admins say I've got
    The biggest balls of all

    I've got big balls
    I've got big balls
    They're such big balls
    Tanuki big balls
    And James got big balls
    And FO's got big balls
    But Troy's got the biggest balls of them all

    And my balls are always bouncing
    And my forum's always full
    And everybody posts and posts again
    If your name is on the mod list
    Only I can take you higher
    All the admins say I've got
    Great balls of fire

    I've got big balls
    Oh, I've got big balls
    And they're such big balls
    Tanuki big balls
    And Junus got big balls
    And Nixxy's got big balls
    But Troy's got the biggest balls of them all

    Some balls are held for charity
    And some for fancy dress
    But when they're held for pleasure
    They're the balls that I like best
    My balls are always bouncing
    To the left and to the right
    I'm sorry that I couldn't think
    Of a way to change this part

    Oh, Troy's got big balls
    Troy's got big balls
    Troy's got big balls
    Tanuki big balls
    Crawl's got big balls
    DH has big balls
    But Troy's got the biggest balls of them all

    And I'm just itching to tell you about them 0o

    Dear Pirates of Port Saiid
    (Parody of "Queen Marjoly's Song"
    from Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure)

    Maestro?

    *ahem* (clears throat)

    Me:
    I am mightier than the God
    The Devil is my slave
    More beautiful than the Goddess
    I put her face to shame
    Oh, look at me, oh what do you see?
    There's no one greater than me!
    I am the KING! The best you have seen!
    So worship me

    Chorus:
    Your highness, Troy Demetrius
    We worship you as Number One!

    Me:
    OH YES! I am EVIL - Personified!!
    So get down on your knees

    And if you're ever graced by my presence
    You'll thank your lucky stars
    Aren't I great? I amaze myself all the time! Oo

    There is one thing I still have to get
    I won't rest until it's mine...

    The Vice-Presidency of the United Staaaaaaaaates!!!

    HEY YOU! STFU!!

    My heart is burning, overheating with a raging fire
    That donut I admire, it fills me with desire

    Dear Pirates of Port Saiid,
    I am here to save you from this curse
    Let my godliness quench your thirst!

    My precious, wait a little longer
    I will end your strife
    I will bring you back to life
    I'll make love to your wife!!

    Dear Pirates of Port Saiid,
    If you think I'm bad now,
    You haven't seen the worst!!

    Let me quench my thirst!

    Chorus:
    QUENCH YOUR THIRST!!

    Me:
    If you dare get in my way
    I will MAKE YOU PAY!
    You won't live another day. Hey!

    Chorus:
    Oh, Lord Vyce! You are so nice!
    You're the baddest King under the sun

    Keep on shining, we'll keep on whining
    He's our king, he's the baddest to be seen

    Lord Boomerang, you're the evil beauty
    We bow to you eternally!

    The Great Mighty Troy
    (Parody of "The Great Mighty Poo"
    from Conker's Bad Fur Day)

    *ahem*

    Me me me me meeeeeee

    I am the great mighty Troy
    And I'm going to throw my shit at you girls and boys
    A huge supply of tish
    Comes from my chocolate starfish
    How about some scat, you little twats?

    Do you really think you'll survive in here?
    You don't seem to know which creek you're in
    Sweet corn is the only thing
    That makes it through my rear
    How do you think I keep this lovely grin?

    *ting*

    Have some more caviar

    Now I'm getting rather mad
    You're like a niggly tiggly shitty little tag nut
    When I knock you out with all my bab
    I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt

    Your butt?

    Yes, my butt!

    Your butt??

    That's right, my butt!!

    Ewwww...

    MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!

    Oh, you cursed pirates, look what you've done!
    I'm flushing! I'm flushing!
    Oh, what a world, what a world....
    Who'd thought that good little pirates like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess
    Oh, I'm going...

    Awwww

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    ARRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

    If I Were King of Ezboard
    (Parody of "If I Were King of the Forest"
    from The Wizard of Oz)

    If I were King of Ezbooooooaaarrrrd

    Not queen, not duke, not prince.

    My regal robes of Ezboooooooarrrrd

    Would be satin, not cotton, not chintz.

    I'd command each thing, be it fish or fowl.

    With a woof and a wooooof and a royal growelll

    WOOF!

    As I'd click my heel, all the people would kneel.

    And the admins bow and the mods kowtow.

    And the sparrow would take wing

    If I - If I - were King!

    Each user would show respect to me.

    The webmasters genuflect to me.

    Though my tail would lash, I would show compash

    For every underling!

    If I - If I - were King!

    Just King!

    0o

    No One's Like King Troy
    (Parody of "Gaston's Song"
    from Beauty & the Beast)

    Gosh it disturbs us to see you, King Troy
    Looking so down in the dumps
    Every guy here'd love to be you, King Troy
    Even when taking your lumps
    There's no man in town as admired as you
    You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
    Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
    And it's not very hard to see why

    No one's slick as King Troy
    No one's quick as King Troy
    No one's neck's as incredibly thick as King Troy
    For there's no man in town half as manly
    Perfect, a pure paragon
    You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
    And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

    No one's been like King Troy
    A king pin like King Troy
    No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like King Troy
    As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating
    My what a guy, that King Troy

    Give five "hurrahs!"
    Give twelve "hip-hips!"
    King Troy is the best
    And the rest is all drips
    No one fights like King Troy
    Douses lights like King Troy
    In a wrestling match nobody bites like King Troy
    For there's no one as burly and brawny
    As you see I've got biceps to spare
    Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
    And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair

    No one hits like King Troy
    Matches wits like King Troy
    In a spitting match nobody spits like King Troy
    I'm especially good at expectorating
    Ten points for King Troy!

    When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
    Ev'ry morning to help me get large
    And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
    So I'm roughly the size of a barge

    No one shoots like King Troy
    Makes those beauts like King Troy
    Then goes tromping around wearing boots like King Troy
    I use antlers in all of my decorating
    Say it again
    Who's a man among men?
    King Troy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    0o

    I'm TROY
    (Parody of "Fat"
    by Weird Al Yankovic)

    *clears throat*

    Your butt is wide, well mine is too
    Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
    The word is out, better treat me right
    'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
    Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

    My zippers bust, my buckles break
    I'm too much man for you to take
    The pavement cracks when I fall down
    I've got more chins than chinatown

    Well, I've never used a phone booth
    And I've never seen my toes
    When I'm goin' to the movies
    I take up seven rows

    Because I'm TROY, I'm TROY, come on
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, come on you know
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
    Just now tell me once again whos TROY

    When I walk out to get my mail
    It measures on the Richter scale
    Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
    I'm the only one who gets a tan
    If I have one more pie ala mode
    I'm gonna need my own ZIP code

    When you're only having seconds
    I'm having twenty-thirds
    When I go to get my shoes shined
    I gotta take their word

    Because I'm TROY, I'm TROY, sha mone
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it you know
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
    Lemme tell you once again who's TROY

    If you see me comin' your way
    Better give me plenty space
    If I tell you that I'm hungry
    Then won't you feed my face

    Because I'm TROY, I'm TROY, come on
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it, you know
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
    I really sit around the house

    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, come on
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it, you know it
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know, you know, you know, come on
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    And you know all by myself Im a crowd
    Lemme tell you once again

    You know I'm huge, I'm TROY, you know it
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, you know, hoo
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    You know I'm TROY, I'm TROY, you know it, you know
    (TROY, TROY, really really TROY)
    And the whole world knows I'm TROY and I'm proud
    Just tell me once again whos TROY

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