Ode to the BBS Lamers

by Devilrays

Since the early days of the Loudhouse
I've talked games and such stuff
Though much of what I have seen
Is things of which we've seen enough.

In November '96 times were different
My brother told me about Loudhouse
It seemed like such a nice place to be
All game talk and no sight of a louse.

But once the baddies came, they didn't stop
They tried to see how far they could go
I remember these times like a classic book
Sit down, have a Pepsi; I'll tell you what I know.

First came WHOA on the Game Boy BBS
I told him he shouldn't be here for this
And that he'd had way too much Starbucks.

A guy named PHILDO came and backed him up
He figured WHOA was the best.
But what did PHILDO have to do with WHOA?
One and the same? I'd say yes.

At the time I was called 3DMASTER64
And the NCIA patrolled the place
HAL1, PUDDMANN, CAT1 and myself
Took it upon ourselves to set the pace.

WHOA flamed us in the Message Center
And I got a new name, DEVILRAYS,
And I told NOA about his shenanigans
And WHOA had seen his final days.

Then along came a guy named CLOSETMAN
Who talked of "butts" and nothing more
After we all got fed up with him
Soon NOA showed him the door.

But he returned as DICKCISSLE
Who called NCIA a "group of fascists"
Well, with CLOSETMAN spamming the board
Can you expect us to be pacifists?

After talking to DICKCISSLE, however,
I learned he was actually OK
This episode ended well for us
But few others finished the same way.

Do you remember ASKIKKER and his cronies
They're probably all the same simple clown
But they still drove us out of our wits.

The BBS soon turned upside-down
With such names as PORNOGIRLSTAR
Probably just some lonely single male
Who didn't know how far was too far.

Once Loudhouse was history, and HAL1 as well
The NCIA was dead and gone
I figured there'd be no more BBS
I was blessed by being wrong.

NSider wasn't heaven, with random fools
Like KONGSBIGDONKY, for one,
We were happy when his visits were done.

I remember fighting MIYAMOTOLOVER
Who made us like all games equally
No wonder he had so many arch-rivals
Like DeathSpork, ForestBug, and me.

He was the brains behind the VGPC
Which means "Video Game Peace Corps"
But if censoring opinions on games is called "peace"
Then our BBS's would be quite a bore.

I actually joined his group for a while
Because it sounded kind of cool
But then I dropped out and he called me a "traitor"
That's what you get for playing me for a fool.

He wasn't the biggest problem I had;
That's FOOFIGHTER1, another random guy
He said PSX was best and that everyone agreed;
And since i disagreed, I should die.

"DEVILRAYS is a Retard!" "Everyone is with me!"
"What I say is unbiased!" Yeah, right
Someone tried to tell me you were just upset
But who shows up at a BBS just to pick a fight?

But all these guys put together
Can't match the problems of one man
Who would've guessed that we'd be faced down
By our own admin NOA Dan?

After a perfectly normal post somewhere
About anything, anything at all
You replied with a long, boring speech
And left us to take the fall.

You felt it was cool to wipe out the good guys
Was it somehow OK to spam?
If BJ and Pero had flooded the board?
Would you have sent them to the damned?

First it was HTML that was taken away
Then punctuation and many words
Did you have to take away the word "poop"?
Have you no class, you nerds?

The Other RPG's BBS has lots of action
Not all about Nintendo, I know
So you censored it all by deleting the forum
So now where do RPG fans go?

Well, soon we wondered that ourselves
When the NSider BBS went up in smoke
You say it's just "down for maintenance"
As if we all don't know that's a joke.

For two months or so I wandered aimlessly
Till I was invited to a place
They called it the NSider BBS
Certainly less of a waste of space.

I found a link to a BBS there
Of which I'd soon be fond
This place was busy and had NSiders;
you know it - Kiera's Game Pond!

I was about a month and a half late there
And I soon learned what I had missed
Tridon, GH64, and Thawhidol, precisely
Had managed to get Kiera pissed.

The first problem I had on the Game Pond
Was when Shykid first arrived.
She targeted me for rivaling with ML
And more of that happy jive.

That issue soon fell by the wayside
As Bugforest made his edict
That we all had to like NOA DanO
Despite our thoughts that he was a prick.

"Dan Owsen is not a bad person"
"He's da MAN!" as if it's fact
'Course, he wouldn't say that if Dan had turned on him
As it stands now, he's totally whacked.

He drew people to his board
With his "World's Longest Thread"
But if you dared disagree with him there
He'd surely be after your head.

His board spent time password-protected
After a hacker ripped it apart
When it opened back up, I tried to make amends
But he banned me before I could start.

His friend Shykid remains a mystery
Others say she's gone off the deep end
She hasn't shown it much around me
But I guess it all just depends.

I may have been a little in the wrong
On a case with Magnus CROWE
When he called my cat "fat" over and over
I thought his jokes had to go.

I guess I edited his post as a joke
But he didn't like it much
Personally I don't blame him on that one
Proof that no one has a golden touch.

Though it came full circle much later
That he just can't take a joke.
What started out as me just playing around
Nearly caused the Game Pond to go up in smoke.

Of course, this was when PUDDMANN jumped in
Bringing his "baggage" here to "his base"
OK, so your life isn't peachy
But do you have to bring it to Kiera's place?

I offered to stop the fighting
Which I may have started myself
But you insisted on tearing the wounds open
Which would prove to be bad for your health.

CRAWLand1000 tried to be your friend
And PSYKOSUMA said you were a comic
But all you could do for them is flame them
And your cussing at them was supersonic.

So now he whines and complains here
Demanding to be banned from the Game Pond
And if the admins let you stick around?
"I'll just have the board bombed!"

There will always be lamers at these places
They'll come, they'll be bad, they'll go
But to those who feel it their duty to own us
We all know to "just say no!"

You can come to the board and do your worst;
You'll think yourself quite a danger
But even the toughest of the baddies
Can never stand up to Cap Razer.

I'll always be here on my EZBoard ring
And the same goes for most of us all
And if you decide to hassle us
You'll soon be on the other side of our wall.

Back to DBDH Arena Archive

Back to Main Page

AddThis Social Bookmark Button Dreamhost