Devilrays has written many lengthy and well-detailed game ideas, including several that focus on our community. Bagel Wars 64 Bud Selig 64 Christmas Shopping 64 Emerald Lynk 64 ErniePants's Ezboard RPG Ezboard Arena Fight Over 20 Dollars 64 Game Pond Arena 64 Game Pond Racers Game Show RPG Greed 64 Keyshawn Johnson RPG Kill Long Distance Scams 64 Lamers Deathmatch 64 Livin' La Vida Loca 64 March Madness 64, er...65 Missingno 64 Mr. Jarrell the Evil Math Teacher 64 Mutant League Football 4028 NCAA Blitz N-Sider RPG Ode Wars 64 Office Max 64 Pokemon Platinum PUDDMANN 64 Roller Coaster Tycoon 64 Star Fox Racer: Lylat Tour Steak n Shake 64 Super Mario Collector's Edition Take Over the World 64 Totalitarian Dictatorships 64 Video Game Combat 64 Web Page Class 64 Who Wants to be a US President? Yokels 64 Yugo 64

Bagel Wars 64 Just to piss DOVEBLOB off, I will turn the bagel phenomenon into a game idea...although she can't trademark this! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, there are four different modes of play - bagel army battles, trademark wars, donut invasion, and tournament fighting. The bagel army battles consist of duels between different kinds of bagels, sort of like gang battles. Play as the plain bagels, the onion bagels, the egg bagels, the cinnamon raisin bagels, the blueberry bagels, and the everything bagels. There are many modes of play within this, including mini-games - turf wars, which involves organized duels between members of two gangs; Chinese Bagels, which is played like Chinese Checkers only with bagels and if you are jumped twice you are out, just to add strategy; and invasion, or an attack on another army's home turf. Also, if you find cream cheese, it helps you as it can be used as a weapon or as a power-up. You can also have drag races for cream cheese and turf. The winner forces all other kinds of bagels into submission. The trademark war is between DEATHAMSTER, DOVEBLOB, DEVILRAYS, and PUDDMANN, who are, of course, EZBoarders. DEATHAMSTER claims she started the "bagel" phenomenon, as she was the one who first logged on as DOVEBLOB and did the "where...can I find.....a bagel?" thing first, while DOVEBLOB says she started it because DEATHAMSTER saw her feeding bagels to the doves in the park and turned that into the bagel phenomenon. DEVILRAYS, however, is convinced the DOVEBLOB user had been absent from EZBoard for such a time that it was acceptable for him to use a bagel theme for his Slippery Pete user, for which he got the idea off a friend at school. PUDDMANN insists there must be no trademarking and will attempt to trademark such words as "if" when the trademark war starts. Whoever gets the trademark wins; however, if no one ends up with the trademark, PUDDMANN wins...and we can't have that, can we? The story behind donut wars is that the unified bagel military is being threatened by the evil donut regiment, led by General Eclair, who has vowed to destroy all bagels. Your mission is to retrieve all the stolen cream cheese and destroy the frosting factory, and send in your bagel soldier to defeat General Eclair one-on-one. Tournament fighting is just like it sounds - from the beginning, you can fight as any of the six types of bagels, each with its own special power and ability to use cream cheese or plastic spreading knives (hint: if it isn't Philadelphia cream cheese, it isn't as good,) and all four EZBoarders are available with their own special powers, but they can't use cream cheese, though they're a bit stronger than the bagels (this evens the playing field.) Also, you can unlock any Donut Boss once it is defeated in Donut Wars; defeat the glazed donut, the powdered donut, the lemon-filled donut, the jelly donut, the custard-filled donut, and of course General Eclair, who is the best fighter but is tough to use. Plus, the CD looks just like a bagel...and there are six different ones for each type of bagel! You would have to be insane not to buy at least 31 copies of each one!

Bud Selig 64 In this game you play as Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball. After being named official commissioner of baseball after several years of being "interim commissioner" your job is to try to get baseball back on track after the 1994 players' strike. Your moves are: Sit and do nothing - watch as Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Florida Marlins, sells off all his good players after winning the 1997 World Series so he can sell the team. Then proceed to do nothing whatsoever about it Hog the credit - after Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa revive national interest in the game, proceed to act like you yourself revived the game by doing such things as: Radical realignment - figuring that interleague play was a success, propose a plan to realign all 30 of MLB's teams solely by geographical boundaries. Explain that teams such as the Yankees and Mets, the Cubs and White Sox, and the Reds and Indians can play twelve times a year, completely forgetting that such rivals as the Indians and White Sox would be in separate leagues and that the Cubs and Mets would probably never play each other despite being historic rivals. Even worse realignment - propose a plan to realign the majors into six divisions of four teams and one division of six. That's three divisions in the AL and four in the NL. The wild card in use in the AL, not in the NL. Be sure to put the Cincinnati Reds in the Southeast. Back it up by saying it "fits well with time zones" and that "the Rangers don't have to play in the AL West anymore" while in fact making yourself look like a complete ass. Bash Pete Rose - refuse to even think about reinstating Pete Rose or make him eligible for the Hall of Fame despite his baseball accomplishments; that combined with your realignment plan will make it clear you hate the Cincinnati Reds. Ignore the game's economic problems - since 1993, several small market teams have fallen out of contention because they can't afford good players. Act like you don't give a fuck. Continue to support the status quo despite the fact that only a half dozen teams will have a glimmer of hope by 2005 at this rate, unless one of those teams is the Milwaukee Brewers, in which case you try to correct that with another bizarre, completely irrelevant realignment plan that involves putting the Cincinnati Reds in a division with three British soccer teams. Lie through your teeth - claim that the major leagues WILL go to an unbalanced schedule, while you probably don't even know what the hell an unbalanced schedule is. Play with people's minds about switching the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays between leagues despite the fact that you probably couldn't guess what league either team is in in fewer than three tries. Cite the fact that attendance is slightly up overall in the majors as a sign that everything is OK despite the fact that it obviously isn't. Whenenver you're presented with a problem, counter by proposing to realign the teams based solely on the number of letters in their nicknames or something. Your ending depends on how much havoc you wreak on the game; beware, though, that if people get too fed up with you, they will vote you out of office and elect someone with half a brain commissioner, like Bob Costas, who will undo all the horrible damage you did and restore order to the game. If you win the game, all but eight or so teams, the Yankees, Indians, Red Sox, Braves, Mets, Cardinals, Diamondbacks, and of course the Brewers, remain in the game while all the others go under, including the Cincinnati Reds. Who wouldn't want at least 54 copies of this game?

Christmas Shopping 64 You play as an ordinary 17-year-old with no money, and it's the last week of October. You have to buy gifts for: your father, your mother, your stepmother, your grandparents, your cousins, your uncle, your pets, and two for your brother, and they have to be quality gifts. You need to find a job and stay there for two months, and use your employee discount to its fullest advantage. The climax of the game is Christmas Day, where you will receive ratings on what gifts you bought. If they already have the gift you have to exchange it; you receive a C- rating for that gift. If they take offense to the gift you receive an F. If they love the gift, receive an A. The challenge is to buy gifts for the family that they will all like while still having enough money to pay for a crotchety old '63 Dodge Dart, which breaks every mile-and-a-half.

Emerald Lynk 64 In this game, you are Emerald Lynk, Sethra's other parakeet, who is less well-known, and you are mad. Shnoo gets all the attention of Game Ponders, and she has her own BBS, and you are insanely jealous of her, so you run away. However, Sethra sends herself out to look for you, and living on your own is much more difficult. Every day, birds and other creatures will come and try to hurt you, the domesticated parakeet, and you will face stray cats and dogs as mini-bosses. The first boss you face is a drug dealer, who tries to experiment with a new drug by injecting you with it. The next boss is a police officer, who wants to take you to the Humane Society, which will probably put you to sleep. After that, you move to a junkyard, where the junkyard dog is there to make your life a living hell. In the fourth round, you face Sethra herself, who tries to capture you again and bring you home. However, no matter what, she succeeds; you come home and fight the first bout with your enemy Shnoo. The fifth round sees a BBS battle between Emerald Lynk and regulars at the Shnooworld BBS; the boss of the stage is Thawhidol. The battle carries over to the BBS, where if you defeat Bugforest, Kiera will not ban you. If you are banned the game is over; however, win and Shnoo will challenge you to an Arena Fight. A loss means banishment from Shnooworld and you have to go back to Round 5; win, and Shnoo will turn into Super Shnoo and stage the final battle. In the final battle, you see some weapons of old - eggs, Weebles, Dove soap, and Wite-out pens. If you defeat Super Shnoo the BBS is yours and Shnoo becomes food for Ozzie the Cubby Bear; however, lose and Ozzie feasts on you. You would have to be insane not to want at least 423 copies of this game!

ErniePants's Ezboard RPG Play the game as ErniePants, and the object is to take over as many EZBoards as possible. The game is scored by points, and you earn 40 points every time you take over a BBS plus one for every unique user there (since some people have multiple user names.) However, you earn only 20 points for every non-game related BBS you take over, and only 10 if the BBS is made up of Hare Krishnas who are convinced you're the Chosen One. (You still get the per-user bonus, though, so it might be worth it to take over the Top 10 BBS's.) Your strategy is to go on the BBS's main forum and to declare to everyone that you're taking over the BBS, and then you have to release your firepower onto them. The BBS is yours if they give up, grant you admin, and allow you to do whatever you want with the background. Accumulating 15,000 points opens up the second series - a chance to take over the Game Pond and all its users' own BBS's. You earn 100 points per BBS taken over that isn't the Game Pond, unless the BBS is owned by outcastdeathspork, DEVILRAYS, JamesfromPokemon, Flying Omelette, WhatAboutRaven2, GARDENHO, or Setzer the Great. Fight a BBS war against these seven players; win and you have a chance to take over the Game Pond itself. The key to taking over the Game Pond is to be vicious enough that Kiera, BJ, Sethra, Camira, and CB007 fear you, but sane enough that they let you stick around. However, once you take over the BBS, you have to face the spammers. After Kiera turns the BBS over to you, she leaves you a little surprise - Thawhidol, GH64, Bugforest, Peace and Quiet, and other storied spammers are let back in to wreak havoc on you, and you can't just ban them since they all have cable modems. You have to send them a virus and destroy their cable modems and then EZBoard will delete them. But remember, like old adversary DEVILRAYS, you're very greedy and aren't satisfied with owning the BBS's you own... ...so you decide to take over the main EZBoard BBS, which will give you control over all EZBoards. Gain admin powers over that BBS grudgingly, and then face the EZBoard staff in arena combat. SethraShnoo, one of your minions, will ref your series of four Arena fights against the EZBoard staff. The final boss of the game is ezLarry, who has extra-strong attacks. Defeat him and EZBoard is yours; lose and the BBS's go back to their rightful owners and you go to jail on the planet Venom forever and ever, where you can spend the rest of your days with all the Omni-Wonders of the Universe.

Ezboard Arena Play as any Ezboarder, and enter the world of the Ezboard Arena. However, the Arena isn't the only way to accumulate power in this game - be a part of the ACFLM (Arena Combat Federation and League of Masterminds) and earn Starbucks (1 Arena Point = 200 Starbucks.) These are the way to earn Arena Points: Random Draw Fights - if SethraShnoo picks your name, fight to the finish against your randomly-selected opponent, but be wary - you can only win 25 Arena Points at a time, and you figure you will only get drawn once every 20 Random Draws. (You can win 50 Arena Points for a finish, but if it's close, it isn't worth the risk.) Arena Betting - If you bet your Arena Points on the correct fighter in a Random Draw fight, you earn Arena Points! This is a serious risk, though, and totally random, and if you run out of Arena Points, you have to gain them back via other means of winning. Game Pond Quizzes - Win up to 100 Arena Points in outcastdeathspork's "Who Wants to Be a Game Pond Hundredaire" which is, of course, the most lucrative game here. Other random quizzes will earn you as much as 50 points, and there is nothing to lose. The other major form of ARena currency is Starbucks, official unit of the ACFLM. There are several ways to earn these: ACF tournament - be one of six fighters in any ACF season, and duel through 10 Arena battles, with hopes of finishing in the top two in points. If you don't make the title match you earn 5,000 Starbucks for every fight you win; however, if you do, the jackpot is much higher, though you don't win Starbucks by number of fights won. If you lose the title match you win 100,000 Starbucks; that jackpot increases to 500,000 with a win. In more advanced stages of the game there may be more fighters in an ACF season. LM quizzes - the major one if the most lucrative in any arena; of course, it's "Who Wants to Be a Game Pond Millionaire." You can win as many as 1,000,000 Starbucks in this. There are also other LM quizzes that are run by other players which aren't as lucrative. ACF Casino - bet your Starbucks on ACF fights. Just like betting on Random Draw fights. Also, in either case, you can write your own quizzes. Choose the number of questions, the amount of Arena Points or Starbucks to be awarded, and the difficulty (in the Game Pond difficulty levels are Easy, Normal, and Hard; the LM difficulties are Easy, Medium, Hard, and Mastermind. Mastermind must be pre-approved with DEVILRAYS in order to allow a 1,000,000 prize and a Mastermind's Trophy to be given.) Remember that easy quizzes shouldn't be lucrative, but people might want a challenge; also, hard or Mastermind quizzes may not be popular with the weaker minds. There are also other small arenas to get involved with, but the points earned there cannot be traded for Starbucks or Arena Points.

Fight Over 20 Dollars 64 In this game, DEVILRAYS and PUDDMANN are encountering holiday season, and there are six more days until Christmas. DEVILRAYS has finished his holiday shopping and PUDDMANN is almost done, and DEVILRAYS has bought all the gifts for the pets and their uncle, whose girlfriend is a stupid jerk. Now, DEVILRAYS and PUDDMANN are arguing over $20, but neither wants the money! Why? PUDDMANN wants D-RAYS to have it because if D-RAYS paid for the gifts in their entirety, PUDDMANN would feel that he didn't give anything to the pets or to their uncle, while D-RAYS wants PUDDMANN to have it because he believes PUDDMANN needs it more, as D-RAYS has a steady job and gets paid in three days. However, having an Italian sausage after work is starting to sound really good to D-RAYS, and he is having car troubles, so these are the weak points PUDDMANN can exploit. (D-RAYS had to call AAA to get a jump start home from work because his car didn't start.) PUDDMANN can be exploited by an unexpected expense, or by D-RAYS buying him several Slurpees, which means PUDDMANN would need the money but D-RAYS would get it in the end. The winner can prove that the $20 is rightfully his brother's, while the loser has to spend the $20. That's a pretty whacked game, isn't it?

Game Pond Arena 64 It is you and the rest of the Game Pond Arena in head-to-head competition. Fights are in the same format as Sethra's fights, except there is a choice between Classic Arena fighting (where you pick one of your attacks, and the computer selects a winner at random) or Arcade fighting, where you can land hits at your own pace. There are all the Game Pond fighters, such as Sethra Shnoo, BJStrykes, Crawland1000, and JamesFP. Each has his or her own series of attacks. In the beginning of a game, you start out with 500 HP and three attacks, none of which are very strong. For instance, if you are JamesFP, you have Pokèmon-related attacks, and if you are DEVILRAYS, your attacks are all baseball-related. You start with 100 Arena points, and you can bet on other Arena contests or earn them with fights. Earn 400 points off fights (keep in mind that fighting stronger opponents will score you more points than weaker ones, and that you can challenge opponents in this game instead of having to wait for the Random Draw, which still exists anyway) and you become a Mod. Climb to 800 points to earn permanent Mod privileges. Reaching 1200 makes you an Admin, and if you earn 2000 points, you fight Kiera, the strongest fighter. Defeat her and she will give you the BBS. (Not that she's an enemy or an evil person, but she is the boss of the BBS and you have to have something to shoot for.) Then, soon after, a wave of morons will try to fight the BBS away from you. Defeat their leader and the Game Pond will revere you as its hero. In a secret stage, which you earn if you have 4000 points and 50 victories, you combat NOADANO, and victory means the destruction of NOA tyranny. After that, Nintendo will make only top-quality games, never once delaying them, will fix defects as necessary, and eliminate all problems with games. VS mode and Tournament mode are also available, including the War for the Nonsense forum.

Game Pond Racers In this game you play as one of many Game Ponders in a racing game. At the opener, there are 40 Game Ponders selectable, in eight racing teams. Each team has a captain and four other racers. Royalty - captained by Game Pond owner KieraYinCat, this team includes BJStrykes and his wife Camira Breen, BJ's evil cousin SethraShnoo, and Kiera's boyfriend CataTonic9. Their home track is ShnooWorld, which is shaped like an egg with a beak. The beak has seriously dangerous curves, but the rest of the track is pretty basic. 1st Legion - this team consists mostly of people who have been at the Pond from near the beginning. Flying Omelette captains a team including CRAWLand1000, CLOUDBOND007, Pero the Cat, and nextbillgates. Since NBG incorporates Windoes into the team cars, they have the ability to cause other teams' vehicles to crash at inconvenient times. Their home course is Flying Omelette's Palace, where animé characters will impede racers or they may help them. 2nd Legion - also a team mostly of experienced racers. Aussie2B leads Kefkathe3rd, HobbestheTiger, Liontamer, and DEATHAMSTER. Repair money is often hard to come by since Kefka is infamous for gambling his Arena Points away, though there is no shortage of Starbucks. Their home track is Miss Sarajevo's Blue Room. Nonsense Posters - one of the most fun teams to use. James FP captains not only MrBlastoise, ErniePants, HiRider, and PUDDMANN, but also legions of ketchup packets and potato salad. James' Paradise Resort is home to this team, which is also armed with PUDDMANN's uncanny ability to overload another team's circuits with bizarre, complicated math. (Though the 1st Legion is generally unfazed, as CRAWLand1000 can decode most of it.) Trivia Gods - this team built their cars based around how many potential trivia questions it would generate. DEVILRAYS, the founder of the Arena Combat Federation, captains I am a donut, Proto Man and Mega, diamondcutters, and rudoranohihou, all of whom have done well in DEVILRAYS' quizzes (why do you think I would pick them?) Their skill is the ability to distract a driver with a trivia question, though they tend to get frustrated if their opponent can answer it. They play in the DEVILRAYS Sports Complex. Belmonts - this team has a reputation as bad boys or renegades, and their strength is in their power. WhatAboutRaven2 captains the team consisting of outcastdeathspork, TWEETER911, Dark Diamond, and BrownEagle. DD can't be matched when it comes to bombs, and TWEETER911 can post nonsense with the best of them. They race in the Colosseum and are tough to beat if you don't get an early lead. Otakus - this team led by Protocool has endured fights with the Belmonts, betrayal by Bugforest, and countless internal struggles before settling on Shykid, Ingrid, NOAImawario, and BrittK007 in its lineup. Their strength is in their secrecy, as the Neo-Otaku World is completely closed to the public. Mystery Team - this team has a history of causing problems at the Game Pond. Thawhidol is the captain, and GH64, ClaudeKenni, Tridon, and Peace and Quiet are the members. They are tough to beat at close range, since they are all skilled flamers. All of them are very difficult to understand as well. Their home course is at VividImagination and requires an advanced browser and cable modem to enter. There are three main modes of play, those being Free Race, Circuit, and Mission. With Free Race, any two players or teams can race on any track. They may also battle at any venue. In Circuit, the eight teams play a series of round-robins, either 7, 14, 28, 42, 56, or 70 with the top 3 going to the playoffs. Each contest consists of 5 races with the first team to win 3 winning. This is a great place to hone your racing skills whether in a free circuit or playing under a User, where you can win Arena Points and Starbucks to upgrade your vehicles. In Mission mode, you select a team from the list of eight. Each player on your team must win a race before you can advance. At this point the other 7 teams are beefed up and you earn stars by defeating them. The first Boss is demo, and you must select a team member to face him. He's pretty easy, since all he can say is "ok" and "cool". Other players you race in future worlds are the Gamblers (Magnus CROWE and Pokémon Master Junus) and the Returners (Corporate Eyebrow and IJzebel) who can be unlocked by defeating them. The next boss is Seto, who has very strict rules about what attacks you can use. On the other hand, he has no problem using any attack he wants, so you won't win this race using attacks. Then comes DarkKnight2, and his bark is worse than his bite. He'll make you think he did something to your car, and some of the time he will cut your brake line or flood your engine or something, but other than that, just drive fast and he's history. The 4th boss is DCS CO LTD, who drives a delivery van full of PSX and DC silvers. You can beat him by ramming his rear and making the GD-ROM copiers fall out the back, outmaneuvering him and making him tip over, or by getting the Feds on his tail and hoping they take him down before the race is over. Now it's time to move into the NSider's inner sanctum. Move into Camp Hyrule by out-racing a security guard, but be careful - a mystery maniac will be causing havoc on the campsite. Challenge him to a race and take him down. However, soon you learn that team racing is nothing new to Nsider either. A team of five NSider lamers has gotten together and begun racing, and you must defeat them to get to the NOA inner sanctum. IntotheDarkness, KongsBigDonky, Spyrolover, Reno of the Turks, and captain Ryan Gaunt. NOA DanO and NOA Scott oversee the races, and will be looking for Lists for Deletion. They will also tend to delete their own from time to time as well, but that's ineffectie against Ryan Gaunt. At the end of the race, Ryan Gaunt's arch-rival will show up and try to sabotage the racetrack; trick Ryan Gaunt into falling into what is actually his own trap. Win 3 races of 5 and it's off to the inner sanctum. NOA DanO, NOA Scott, and NOA Mike run a 3-player racing team, and they race at the dilapidated NSider BBS, which has been allowed to run down by NOA Mike's apathy. When racing NOADanO, avoid his "delete missiles" as being hit by one involves an automatic loss. And just so you don't figure you can take 2 of 3 by just beating Scott and Mike, Scott wields a whip which will delete anything it touches. Some other wild card racers are Hitmongaimeguy, DOVEBLOB, urobbie, MiyamotoLover, and The Great Butcher. Defeat all 5 of them in one-on-one races and not only do you earn the right to use them in head-to-head races, but they also form a new team, the Odds and Ends. Though they have no synergy whatsoever they are actually the fastest team in the game. The final round involves going to the Depths of EZBoard Hell. The Poop Groop awaits at the end of the Mission road. There are five of them and five of you, and you can only use each racer once. You have 1 Continue going into this, and you must beat each enemy. The first opponent is Facilitypro, then Serbot, and TermiteJr. The easy way to beat Serbot is to overload his car computer with large pictures, since his modem can't take it. In a last-ditch effort he will flame you and claim to ignore your responses, but he's fried. The second-to-last character is MountainRanger, who will try to get you to visit his board while you're racing. Avoid doing that and he's beatable. However, be sure to beat him on the first try so you can keep your Continue going into the final round against Bugforest, the toughest opponent you will face. He will blast the track with poop, making it extra-slick, and he will flood your car computer with disgusting pictures. Be careful of his alteregos Cader, Mader and Tader impeding your progress. The Trivia Gods have a major grudge against this guy and would be the most driven to defeat him, but the Nonsense Posters may be able to defeat him by making his head explode! Defeat him and unlock the Poop Groop for circuit play, which moves to 2 divisions of 6 players with the top 3 in each division moving on. Who wouldn't want at least 317 copies of this game, one for each try it will take for you to win?

Game Show RPG This game is played from an ordinary 18-year-old's point of view. Since you've just turned 18, all the usual 18-year-old stuff happens to you. And this includes your ability to play game shows now! However, in your first three days of having a credit card, you run up $10,000 in debt. So naturally, before you can make a move, you must play Debt, hosted by Wink Martindale. If you win they pay off your credit-card debt; if you lose the game is over and you must start anew, not that it matters. Then you can break into some other nutty game shows, like "The Price is Right" and "The $25,000 Pyramid." Winning the grand prize on "Pyramid" unlocks "The $100,000 Pyramid." Win at least four game shows and accumulate $200,000 to unlock classic game shows such as "The $64,000 Question", "Family Feud", and the old "Twenty-One". When you beat the old "Twenty-One" you unlock the new, even dumber "Twenty-One." If you win the grand prize on 13 game shows this unlocks "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," at which you get only one crack and you must win at least $32,000 or the game is over. You can keep trying over and over again, and once you win at least $250,000 you unlock the last game in the series - the virtually-impossible "Greed". Be sure to save your game before this point, and remember that the type of ending you receive depends entirely on the amount of money you win. Work your way up the Tower of Greed, challenge teammates and take their money, but remember that if you are challenged and eliminated or your team misses a question you go back to the beginning of this round. If by some chance you reach the $2,000,000 question and answer it correctly you will be enshrined in the Game Show Hall of Fame, which doesn't exist. Who wouldn't want at least 21 copies of this game?

Greed 64 First came "Greed". Then "Super Greed". So naturally, the next in line should be Greed 64! The basis for this game: Released, say, sometime this summer, people may go to any local video game store and buy a box with: The "Greed 64" cartridge, a modem for connecting to the Internet, and some instructions. Gameplay is an awful lot like on World Opponent Network, in that you enter a room at the beginning of a game. Any number of people can enter a room, though the qualifying question at the begiing will eliminate all but the quickest and most correct 5. From there on out, gameplay is similar to Greed the Series (the Fox game show.) Players are given questions and advance to the next round if they're correct; since it's online, the questions pretty much never repeat. But wait, there's more! Scores per user will be tabulated in gameplay; the 240 contestants with the highest cumulative scores over a series of online games, which include freebies, four-part answers, and challenges, will have the chance to appear on real Greed for a chance at $2 million! Of course, the number 64 has to have SOME significance. Of the 240 contestants, the 20 who win the most money (if tiebreaks are needed, they will be done in a series of challenge questions) will have a chance to play a special Greed for the chance to win $64 million (with extra-hard questions, of course, but at least you're guaranteed SOMETHING in THIS game for reaching the end of the first round.) Who wouldn't want 64 million copies of this game, one for each dollar you could win?

Keyshawn Johnson RPG In this game you play as Keyshawn Johnson right about the time he gets drafted by the New York Jets. You're a rookie playing on a shitty team, and aren't doing a damn thing to help, so you go write a book criticizing eveyrone in sight, especially teammate Wayne Chrebet. Then, the Jets suddenly get good, with Bill Parcells as head coach. Finally, you get to the AFC Championship Game behind veteran quarterback Vinny Testaverde, but the next year he gets hurt so you just watch as your team sucks the entire year, proving you're no help. So now you're caught with your pants down again, and the Jets get sick of your mouth, so they trade you to Tampa Bay. The climax of the game is the fourth week of the season where the Jets come to Tampa Bay. Proceed to compare former teammate Chrebet to a flashlight while comparing yourself to a star. In the end, Chrebet grabs the game-winning catch while you're held to one reception, and as a joke, Chrebet FedExes you a box of flashlights. Who wouldn't take 347 copies of this game?

Kill Long Distance Scams 64 Tired of all the 10-10-bunch of digits long distance phone services? Well, in this game, become a psychopath and destroy them! The first stage is in one of those new movie theaters with stadium seating and 30 screens. Steal people's Raisinettes and Arctic Blasts to gain power. In each theater, go into a Bonus Game that involve whatever movie is playing at the time. After stealing two Jumbo tubs of popcorn and a pistol, go to the concession stand to buy some Nerds. Use them against the boss in theater 30; the boss is 10-10-29-7, a lesser-known 10-10-XYZ service. The second stage is in a warehouse, where they keep 2-liter bottles of soda. Ninjas will come out and try to hurt you; however, spray Sprite in their faces and, if possible, use Raisinettes you stole in stage 1, as they are very effective against these Ninjas. Next, the building will collapse on you, but if you're surrounded by crates, you won't be hurt. Next, kill the venomous rats using cola. The boss of the stage is 10-10-220; only Jolt Cola will work against him, so stock up. The third stage is inside a grocery store. Salamis are your most useful weapon; use them to beat people with. Only beat people who have Gatorade in their cart, as that is your fuel in the battle at the end of the stage. Your distance weapon of choice is fruits and vegetables, getting enough power into your throws will KO enemies instantly, allowing you to take their Gatorade and salamis. The boss of the stage is 10-10-345, and the best way to beat him is to use the extra-large salami you picked up at the salad bar to whack the models of Saturn and the baseball players he throws at you. Slay him, and you advance to the fourth world, which is inside a college campus. Knock on people's dorm room doors and ask for their stereo speakers. Steal an amplifier from the 4th floor resident advisor, and hook them up without security noticing. Get noticed, and you will be taken to jail, since you don't have a permit for this equipment. In lecture hall, you meet 10-10-9000, who you will fight hand-to-hand. Since you have hooked up the stereo system, and all the speakers are in this room, you can turn the system on and blow the ears off the boss of the stage. Make sure you stole the ear muffs off the Dean, or else you will be blown away too. After 10-10-9000 is shaken by the noise, beat him until he agrees to take down the final boss of the game with you. However, at this point, security comes in and arrests both of you and throws you in jail. The last stage of the game doesn't even begin until you break out of jail. Since you and 10-10-9000 are cellmates, both of you must sneak out unnoticed. Get noticed, and you will be shot on sight. For this reason, sneak out between the hours of 2 am and 5 am, when the night-watchman is busy watching pornos and eating donuts. Once out, venture to the inner sanctum, but along the way, pick up a few essentials. You need to pick up a machine gun, ammo, a Super Soaker, some body armor, a wire-cutter, a spork, and a baseball bat. When you get in, eat a cupcake or two and wash it down with some Gatorade, and put on your body armor. When you face the Sumo Wrestler, your body armor will make you invincible to him, so you can shove your baseball bat up his nose. Then short the wires that supply power to the inner sanctum with your spork, and rip off the security guard's nose with the wire-cutter. Take out a salt shaker and pour salt into the wound, and then douse him with the Super Soaker. He will promptly resign and move to Montana and become a used car salesman. At the center of the building, you will meet 10-10-321, the mother of all long-distance scams. Use your machine-gun to get through his tough armor, but not the way you would think. You beat his armor with the gun. Then you throw the ammo at it, and eventually, it will explode. Then on the inside, you will see this nerdy guy who was behind this whole thing. Punch him, call the police, and have them take him away, and you win the game. You would have to be out of your mind not to spend your entire life savings on copies of this game.

Lamers Deathmatch 64 Fight to the death as one of six of the Game Pond's storied lamers! Choose from: Tridon, GH64, Thawhidol, Bugforest, TermiteJr, or PUDDMANN Tridon Special move: Place all hits taken on the shoulders of BJStrykes Weakness: Six-post limit; defenseless after that Home arena: Tridome, capacity 6000, features an anti-Captain N section. GH64 Special move: Gibberish phrases such as "What, do you liek thees grafikx?"; after running out of life, returns for one round with his "spammer" Weakness: Any picture posted by Sethra Home arena: Jade Cocoon Center, capacity 7500, in which security imprisons those who insult Jade Cocoon Thawhidol Special move: Uses a cable modem so attacks are very quick. After being defeated he will ramble about being the "anti-Christ" Weakness: A certain audience member will ban this character if she overhears him call her a "weakling." Home arena: Anti-Christ Gardens, capacity 12000, where ticket salespersons refuse to sell BJ and Sethra more than one ticket between them. Bugforest Special move: Random deletion, which he learned from idol NOADANO. Weakness: If he sees even one picture of Jennifer Lopez he becomes distracted and is defenseless. Home arena: Bugforest Meeting Area, capacity 22500, where profanity is not allowed, thereby rendering Thawhidol and PUDDMANN practically useless. TermiteJr Special move: Deleting his "Greatest Games" thread when people disagree, not to mention mangling the English language beyond comprehension. Weakness: To frustrate TermiteJr, just refuse to fight him. He'll go absolutely berserk and either you'll have an easy shot at him or his head will explode. Home arena: Slushy Grounds, capacity 13000, where anime fans are relegated to the section with the worst view. PUDDMANN Special move: Goes ballistic if you say anything slightly negative about his cat; beware of his complicated math problems. Weakness: Throws gas on any fire he starts, thereby possibly enveloping himself. Home arena: The Chessboard, capacity 10, where PUDDMANN will receive questions from his hand-picked audience to bounce through "Game Pond Millionaire" and try to confuse his opponents. Neutral arenas include: DOVEBLOB's Board, capacity 4000, a particular favorite of PUDDMANN's. It is forbidden for anyone but the hostess to say the word "bagel" under penalty of disqualification. The Game Pond Arena, capacity 32000, home of the Random Draw. Blows delivered are subject to Sethra's die as to whether or not they land. The DEVILRAYS Center, capacity 24000, run under the same rules as RAYS Combat Arena fights. DBDH Arena, capacity 15000, home to other psychopaths and pains-in-the-neck. Beware of Mysteryguys and characters such as GARDENHO intervening. Fight one-on-one in any of 10 arenas, run a tag-team battle 2-on-2, 3-on-3, or even an uneven battle, play a 4-player tournament, or play a round-robin of 10, 20, 30, or 40 games. Round-robin mode sees the six contestants fighting for the coveted Lamers Cup; the top four after the season advance to the Lamers Cup playoffs, and the semifinal winners advance to the Lamers Cup Championship at the DEVILRAYS Center.

Livin' La Vida Loca 64 This game has two modes. In mode one, you play as Ricky Martin, Latin singer-sensation. In the beginning, you rank as No. 100 on the Time Magazine list of the 100 Sexiest Men Alive. So, after writing "Livin' La Vida Loca," try to appear in as many music videos as possible. Spend lots of money, and in turn, become rich. This mode ends when you are ranked No. 1, have destroyed the previous No. 1 (the purely evil Leonardo DiCaprio,) and have married a supermodel. In mode two, you play as the crazy woman he described in his hit song. Your objective is either to earn $1 million or score 100,000 points. Buy sleeping pills at Doc's Drugstore, and seduce as many guys as possible, taking their money and credit cards. Every wallet you steal is 100 points; every guy you score with is 250. Every credit card he has is another 100; if you can get him to take his clothes off and go dancing in the rain, that's 500 right there. Every bottle of French champagne you get your guy to order is 100 points; if you down it, it's another 100. Save up enough money to buy yourself a Domain of Seduction; every guy you lure in there is another 1000 points (if it's a penthouse in New York City, that's 2000.) You can turn on or off victory at $1 million or at 100,000 points; however, one victory condition must be on. Keep in mind, though, that if you get a guy to propose marriage to you (he has to be REALLY DRUNK) then you earn 2500 points; accepting his proposal, though, means you go back to zero, PLUS you have to get out of the marriage. You would have to be insane not to buy at least 75 copies!

March Madness 64, er...65 In this game you play as an office worker, and the game starts right after Selection Sunday. They play a microcosm of the NCAA basketball season for you, and your job is to fill in the field of 64...wait, 65 teams with all the NCAA tournament's winners. This, of course, is impossible. Enter the following pools: Local office pool - fill in your bracket and get points for each game predicted correctly. Winner gets half the pot. Local random draw pool - in this one, you get one team from each region through a random draw. If one of your teams wins it all, you take home the entire pot. ESPN.com Tournament Challenge - try to pick your bracket to perfection, as each game counts toward your overall score. Highest score in the nation wins 10,000 Pizza Hut pizzas. Perfect Bracket - if by some miracle you predict the winner of every fucking game, you win $10 million. If you win the Perfect Bracket, the IRS sacks and loots your house, takes your children, and sells them to the gypsies. But at least you get $500 left from what the IRS didn't take.

Missingno 64 Anyone remember Missingno? Well, in this game, he is upset about all the negative publicity he has received (about erasing people's games) and is taking it out on other Pokèmon and Game Boy Color systems. The game has 160 stages in it, including one for each of the 151 Pokèmon and nine for Game Boy Color systems. Some common enemies you will face are random Pokèmon and their trainers, and the bosses of the stages are typically master Pokèmon. For instance, if you are in a Charmander stage, you will face a master Charmander at the end. Defeated Pokèmon are "deleted" and are accessible in battle mode. Every stage numbered a multiple of 18 (18, 36, 54...up to 144) is a stage inside a GBC. The last stage is the GBC Tower, in which you face every Pokèmon in the game over again. The boss of each GBC stage is the game save feature, and the final boss of the game (stage 160) is Doomsday, yet another rumor. All 151 Pokèmon will be accessible in battle mode once beaten, and 12 trainers will become accessible in training mode.

Mr. Jarrell the Evil Math Teacher 64 In this game you are Mr. Jarrell, DEVILRAYS' and I am a donut's math teacher, and the game starts at the beginning of the 1999-2000 school year. Your mission is to teach as many twisted ideas and tell as many off-the-wall lies as you can every day. Some ideas: 1. Receive 500 points for every different way you prove that 1=2, plus an additional 25 points for every blank stare you get. 2. Spend numerous class periods talking about when you used to skydive; 100 points for each anecdote you tell. You get 50 points for each person who believes you. 3. Talk about the time your dog learned to run backwards, or tell your class about buying used paint. 100 points for each of these lies as well as the lie about the basement where all the surfaces are mirrors, thereby necessitating that the light only be turned on once in a while since all the old light continues to reflect rather than be absorbed. 4. Talk about beings from other dimensions and explain that we in the 3rd dimension can see creatures in the 1st and 2nd dimensions but they can't see us; go on to explain that we're constantly being watched by those in the 4th and 5th dimensions. 250 points for every person you freak out. 5. In the probability unit, whenever you refer to tossing a coin, always say you are "cossing a toin" and insist that it sounds better that way. If you have 50,000 points by the end of the year, you can retire from teaching and sell real estate...which will be featured in the sequel "Mr. Jarrell the Evil Real Estate Salsman 64"!! Who wouldn't want at least 64 copies of this game? Of course, remember that for that, all you need is 1 copy, since 1=2. Therefore, 1^6 must equal 2^6 (1=64).

Mutant League Football 4028 Anyone remember Mutant League Football from the Genesis? Well, why not make a version for the Dreamcast? There are 128 teams in the galaxy, from the Alpha Centauri Devil Dogs to the Europa Dragons, and of course the Toxic Offender All-Stars, the best of all 128 teams. Rules vary from stadium to stadium, and the only shared stadium is the Storm Hammer Arena, shared by the Space Central Fire Demons and the Space Central Flaming Bombs, the most bitter arch-rivals in the universe. Since they play in opposite federations, however, they rarely play each other. (There are two federations, each containing 64 teams. Federations contain eight divisions of eight teams apieceand schedules are often 300+ games long.) Rules for individual games vary from stadium to stadium, of course. In one stadium it may take 10 yeards to a first down; in another it may take 15, or 20, or as few as 2 (that is, of course, in House of the Invisible Walls.) Some stadiums make you go clear to the goal in order not to turn the ball over on downs. Of course, these stadiums generally have 6 or 7 downs in a set. The length of the field is another variable; for instance, Satan's Cave has a field of only 40 yards while the field on Saturn's Rings is 600 yeards long. Andromeda Warzone has land mines, bombs, and other assorted traps; several stadiums disallow field goals; still others have sharp inclines in the field. On Proxima Centauri, first downs are only 5 yards, but there is only one down to a set. In other words, if you don't pick up five yards on your first try, you turn the ball over. Some fields mandate 11-on-11 play while others only allow five on the field at a time. Some allow as many as 18 per team. The East Rigal Skull Jaggers play a four-quarter game with 24-minute quarters, while the Rising Sun Renegades play three periods of only 13 minutes apiece. League mode allows for a schedule as short as 14 games and as long as 400+. Playoffs are adjustable and can vary from series to series; for instance, one series may be best-of-three where another in the same round is best-of-seven. Others still may be four games with most points combined winning. In the end, federation champions face off atop the Solar Tower hovering above New York City, the capital of the universe. This is really the only normal field in the game - for the first game out of seven. Then it turns into shades of other fields. Win the series and receive the Flaming Star trophy; lose and be destroyed.

NCAA Blitz NFL Blitz was a huge success; why not make an NCAA Blitz? Think about it - 114 Division I-A college football teams playing seven-on-seven, 30-yards-to-the-1st-down, no-holds-barred football. There are a few different modes of play: Arcade - you can play a game on a file or you can just play. If you play a single game you pick both your team and your opponent; if you play under a file, your opponent is selected from the list of 114, and the objective is to beat all 114 teams, from lowly Buffalo to powerful Florida State. Slaying the mighty Top 25 will open up 30 historic teams which will play you tougher than you know; after this, you will face the producer teams. Season - select any of the 114 teams and play a 12-game schedule and a postseason. Schedules are drawn up by conference; rivalries are preserved. The BCS formula is included in the game, and you have the option to pick your opponents, but remember that scheduling easy opponents will get you nowhere with the BCS paople. The postseason offers you a few choices - you can use the traditional bowl, in which there may be no clear-cut national champion, the BCS system in which No. 1 plays No. 2 and beyond that anything goes, or a playoff system. The playoffs can be 4, 8, 12, or 16 teams; all teams below that play bowl games and 48 teams play in the postseason. Tournament - play a tournament of 4, 8, 16, or 32 teams against the computer or your friends; or you can set up a round-robin tournament with any number of teams you want. Play Editor - you can create 3 pages of offensive plays, including fake punts and field goals, last-second desperation bombs, and running plays, and 2 pages of defense, including the prevent defense and all the Zone, Nickel, and Man Cover you could ever want. You can keep up to six different playbooks on one file and shuffle the regular plays to your liking. A game like this has the potential to be more than just an NFL Blitz clone; you would have to be nuts not to buy at least 132 copies!

N-Sider RPG The game starts out with four characters - DEVILRAYS, BJSTRYKES, KIERAYINCAT, and MIYAMOTOLOVER. The mission at the beginning of the game is to construct a new BBS in case the NSider shuts down. You also try to keep the NSider from being shut down by the NOA's too, although there are idiots you must fight off. You can play as one character at a time using a similar character switching method to Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon, and there are moves you must pick up along the way. You will learn HTML codes, ways to protect your passwords, combat techniques, and a basic "who's who" of the NSiders. Along the way you will meet some strange people such as PUDDMANN, SHYKID, and CLOUDBOND, who may or may not be friendly to your cause. Some of the bosses of the game are ERNIEPANTS, PSYKOSUMA, JANSPORK, and GH64. You will also face some past NSider enemies such as NILET, KONGSBIGDONKY, RELIGIONSUX, SPYROLOVER, SPYROHATER, and the infamous clone boss. Gain 64 users on your BBS network and you will earn the Super BBS and Chat Program, but you will have to download it off Microsoft's page and it will cost 20 dollars. Build your own BBS on DEVILRAYS' server, and you will have more freedom to design your page. Once you're up to 100 users, you can start charging a membership fee. In the meantime, keep your BBS safe, eliminate violators, and save up for the cyber-combat program "Impact!" which you will need to have to take down the NOA's cyber-combat program "Super Kamek" (I know the name is lame, but what do you expect from the NOA's?) Anyway, the NOA's have built their site back up, and it turns out those are the two major discussion forums on the Internet for video games. Defeat Super Kamek, and the NOA's will grant you control of the NSider; lose, and they shut down your BBS, meaning the only game BBS left is censored, totalitarian, and has ERNIEPANTS as a moderator. Not only this, but Nintendo will stop making RPG's altogether and make only 2 1/2-D games starring Yoshi, Kirby, and Geno. They will also buy the rights to Sony and Sega's systems and create an unfair monopoly. A defeat will give them the reality check they need to offer competitive RPG's, more arcade sports games, and fair prices. The future of games is upon us! RISE UP AND CLAIM YOUR GLORY!

Ode Wars 64 The object of the game is to write killer odes. There are several contestants and four ratings - beginner, experienced, expert and Ode Champion. At the beginning, there are six begiiners, six experienced writers, three experts, and only one Ode Champion. Play as a beginner (hardest difficulty but easiest to use) as PUDDMANN, DOVEBLOB, ErniePants, JamesfromPokémon, Kefkathe3rd, or TermiteJr. Experienced writers include DEVILRAYS, MiyamotoLover, outcastdeatspork, urobbie, Camira Breen, and DEATHAMSTER. The experts are BJStrykes, SethraShnoo, and Crawland1000. The Ode Champion is, of course, Flying Omelette. All 16 have received notices of a Writing Competition hosted in Bermuda, with the winner getting whatever they want. The Writing Competition actually consists of about 100,000 people of all ages submitting all kinds of writing; however, odes are a new and exciting form of writing and give these 16 writers a good shot at winning. Here is the format: Preliminary - In the prelims, they don't ask for much - just a sample of your writing. It can be about anything; you have to receive a rating of 50 or higher on a scale of 0-100 to get in. It's almost guaranteed that you will get this far, even as a beginner. First elimination - of the 100,000+ writers, only the top 64,000 advance past this round. If you play as FO, the only Ode Champion in the group and the 25th-ranked writer in the field of 100,000+ this stage will be easier for you than if you are a beginner, but you will not receive as many difficulty points in the Hall of Fame. You figure it will take a rating of 70 or higher to advance past this stage. Second elimination - the field of 64,000 is cut in half here; it will probably take a rating of 80 or higher to get to the round of 32 (thousand, that is.) Odes are still exciting and new, so judges will appreciate them more. Tournament round - getting this far guarantees you at least a $2,000 prize. You are placed into one of 1,000 divisions by random draw; you have to write five odes and win every round against progressively more difficult opponents. To win the final match in this round you will almost certainly need a rating of 90 or higher. Win one round and earn $5,000; two rounds for $10,000; 3 for $15,000, 4 for $25,000; escape the Tournament Round, which is no easy feat, and take home a guaranteed $50,000. Championship series - at this point the fact that you are writing odes and not essays or poetry will buy you less with the judges, and you will write three odes and receive a combined rating here. However, of the 1,000 remaining writers, only 200 will survive. You will probably need a combined rating of 280 to escape this round. The prize for advancing beyond this round is $100,000. Four-player series - in this round you are grouped with three other writers via another random draw; you must receive the highest rating in your group, which could easily need to be above 95. In the event of a tie, you will need to write another ode. There is a $200,000 pot for escaping this round. Five-player series - just like the four-player series except that there are five players. There still can be ties; a rating of 97 will almost certainly be necessary. The prize for advancing past this round is $500,000. Semifinal - of the ten final contestants, only two will be selected from the field. You will get nothing extra for the fact that you're writing odes; in fact, others have turned to this form of writing. You will need to write two odes; your combined rating will be taken, and in the event of a tie, whoever has the highest single-ode score of their best ode will advance. A one-ode playoff will be used only if absolutely necessary. The prize for advancing beyond this round is a guaranteed $1,000,000. Championship - it's you and another writer, perhaps Flying Omelette. If you make it this far you are guaranteed Ode Champion rating unless, by some fate, you face Flying Omelette here. You will write three odes here; your first, second, and third odes will be tallied separately in a series. Your highest-rated ode will be compared to your opponent's highest-rated ode; then the second-highest will be compared. If a tiebreak is necessary, the third-highest will be compared. Win, and you get the prizes listed here: PUDDMANN - you receive both the U.S. and Russia's supply of nuclear weapons and have the chance to destroy all humanity. DOVEBLOB - you receive royalties from all bagel businesses and are declared ruler of all doves ErniePants - you are declared owner of all EZBoards and receive royalties from pants businesses JamesfromPokémon - you are declared the World's Greatest Pokémaster and the lost Pokémon episodes are translated and distributed freelance in America. Kefkathe3rd - your sports knowledge will be known to all as more vast than that of DEVILRAYS; you will be declared majority owner of Squaresoft TermiteJr - the Termite dictionairy will become common in the English language; your 100 Greatest games of All Time list will be published in all major game magazines and taken as gospel DEVILRAYS - you are declared Undisputed Ruler of the Universe MiyamotoLover - all video games will be declared equal outcastdeathspork - "Who Wants to Be a Hundredaire" will net you billions of dollars urobbie - you will forever be hailed as the Universe's Trivia Champion Camira Breen - you will be allowed to embarrass BJ at any point in time, and he will simply have to take it; all grammatical errors on all BBS's will be cause for punishment to be handed down DEATHAMSTER - you will make a mint from hamster-related merchandise BJStrykes - Sethra and Camira must cease and desist from embarrassing you; both your children will be multi-millionaires before age 12 SethraShnoo - the Shnoo will be made a symbol of world peace; all will agree that she looks like an egg, and you can demand anything you want from BJ Crawland1000 - you will happily marry FO and be declared the master of all brain teasers; you wil lalso receive permanent admin powers at the Game Central Flying Omelette - you will happily marry Crawland; DEVILRAYS will never accuse you of creating Snuggle Mush yourself Now honestly, who out there wouldn't buy at least 254 copies of this game?

Office Max 64 In this game you play as DEVILRAYS, an OfficeMax cashier, in four exciting Missions. Slow Day - in this one, you simply have to find something to do. It's Thursday night at 7:00, and there are hardly any customers in the store. You win extra points if you manage to go unnoticed long enough that management forgets to give you a break; you win even more for time you SHOULD be working when you're actually watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" (10 points for every question you can correctly answer; double points if you know it before the multiple-choice.) However, if it's so slow they begin sending people home, it's best to stay out of sight, since you automatically lose if you don't make it to close at 9:00 PM. 20% Off Sale - in this one, another cashier calls you up to the service desk to take over for him while he goes and smokes. At that point, it gets really busy. You have 30 minutes to check every one of them out. And to top it off, everyone wants a return AND something out of lockup. Make it through 30 minutes without your head exploding and you win. Feuding Co-Workers - in this one, you're working all day Saturday with the one person who just pisses you off and you don't know why. This scenario can actually take as long as you want, since the last one still working there wins. Such things you can try: Find out his PIN number and clock him out when he isn't working. Then when he's short about $100 on his next paycheck, he'll get PO'd at the manager (whom you really don't want to piss off) and either will quit or get fired. Log into the company network under his name and sign up the company CEO's e-mail account to be spammed by numerous porn sites. Take a bunch of $20's, $50's, and $100's from the main register and stick them in an envelope when no one is looking. Then come back from break dressed as a member of management and tell him, "Hey, you'll need this." He'll mindlessly stuff it in his pocket and when the drawer comes up several hundred dollars short, let the sparks fly! Find out his parents' credit card number. Then have several large furniture items delivered to their address. Furious with management, they will order their kid to quit! Hack the server and wipe him off the payroll. Then send a memo to several OfficeMaxes that someone was fired for insubordination at your store, amking it sound like a memo against insubordination (or whatever you want.) Management will just go on and hire someone else. However, these are very risky, since if you're caught they fire you. Back-to-School Wars - inspired by such titles as Funcoland 64 and Steak n Shake 64, this is where you go around destroying Office Depots and Staples! Go in dressed as a customer and rearrange eveything! Put things in different aisles! Mess up the furniture display! Take software boxes and switch the CD-ROMS between boxes! Hack the price servers! The final showdown is with the guy who started those stupid back-to-school ads for Staples. Win all four scenarios and you get a raise. Who wouldn't want at least 571 copies?

Pokemon Platinum This game features a grand total of 440 Pokèmon, including the undiscovered evolutions of Pikachu. Use the Crystal Stone on it and it evolves into Nanochu instead of Raichu; from there it becomes Microchu at level 60 (for this reason, you must evolve it to Nanochu before Level 60.) If you try to evolve Pikachu with the Crystal Stone after Level 60 it becomes an ordinary Raichu. You will also discover Missingno, which will, if it wins a Pokèbattle alone, will steal all Pokèmon the opposing trainer had. There is also a Mewthree, which is a Psychic Pokèmon and has an advantage over all Pokèmon except Dragons. However, the feature Pokèmon is Beastman, and once it learns the Super Body Slam is virtually unstoppable except by Missingno and Mewthree. If you want to earn lots of Pokèbucks, you can play "Who Wants to Be a Pokèmaster," which is inspired by "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." At first you must put four items in order to qualify for the money round, in which you are asked questions about Pokèmon. You have the chance to earn up to 1,000,000 bucks, and you can play up to five times, with the questions changing constantly. (There are 100 different series of items to order; there are also 300 first-tier questions, 300 second-tier questions, 300 third-tier questions, and if you make it that far, 40 questions for the million.) Winning the million will earn you a spot in the Pokèmaster Hall of Fame, not to mention 1,000,000 Pokèbucks. The goal of the game is to defeat Team Rocket, crush the Elite Four again, collect all 440 Pokèmon, and win the Pokèmon Masters Tournament for those who have at least 360 different Pokèmon. Collecting a Pokèmon will open it for play in Tournament Fighting mode and Pokèmon Simulation Fighting.

PUDDMANN 64 In this game you play as my annoying brother PUDDMANN, and the object is to gain acceptance, but you're too stupid to realize that what you're doing to gain acceptance is totally screwed up. You start out with a rating of 50; you gain points for everyone who likes you and lose points for everyone who hates you. You win the game if you are made a permanent admin at the Game Pond; you lose if you are banned. Some of your moves are: Demand respect from people for no good reason Cuss out DEVILRAYS for absolutely nothing Harp on every mistake anyone makes Accuse DEVILRAYS of copying the ACF off Sethra's Random Draw Uncover DEVILRAYS to be Alexander of the Turks (or at least in your own mind) Make a really long and complicated, not to mention totally stupid, math problem and make DEVILRAYS use it on "Who Wants to Be a Game Pond Millionaire" Get pissed at Magnus Crowe for thinking you're crazy Snap at FO for her affair with Crawland1000 Whine about having no friends Spazz at everyone who says anything slightly negative about your cat Chew DEVILRAYS out when he reports you In the end, your rating will determine what happens to you. If your rating at any point drops to zero, you are banned permanently; if it reaches 100, you are a permanent admin. After twelve weeks, you reveive your final rating. If it is between 1 and 19, you are banned; if it is 20-49, you are left alone; 50-79 earns you mod powers while 80-99 makes you an admin. Of course, using the moves PUDDMANN knows, you're not likely to get above 30.

Roller Coaster Tycoon 64 This game is mostly like the PC version of Roller Coaster Tycoon except for some noted additions so you know I designed it. There are five basic kinds of rides - the gentle rides, the thrill rides, the water rides, the roller coasters, and the transport rides. Gentle rides include the carousel, the Space Rings, the haunted house, the Ferris wheel, and the car ride. These rides are generally cheaper to build and require less maintenance, but aren't as popular as the big-name rides. Thrill rides range from Scramblers to swinging ships to witch's wheels (whatever those are) to those disgusting things where you strap people into a round, spinning thing that spins them around at 80 mph until they start screaming at you to let them off the damn ride. As you might guess, maniacal teenagers will want to ride these, but they will become gradually less popular and there isn't much you can do about it. Water rides include boat hires, log flumes, water slides, and your very own Waterworks. These are more expensive to keep up, but cheap to build, and they tend to be pretty popular. Roller coasters need no introduction, but they range from wooden to steel to stand-up to suspended to indoor. You can even build them underground. There are pre-set coaster designs for you which tend to sell well, or you can risk it and build your own coaster. Just remember that if it's too intense like the coasters I like to build, few people who aren't psychotic teenagers will ride it. Finally, transport rides include trains, chairlifts, monorails, trams, and the most expensive - your own personal helicopter. Actually, this is pretty cheap to keep up, but you can charge people out the ying-yang for it, and they'll sure as hell pay. You can build food stands and get people's money that way, also. Sell burgers, hot dogs, pizza, fries, ice cream, chili, subs, Dr. Pepper, and other assorted items so people don't whine about being hungry or thirsty. Just don't build them in the same county as your most intense coasters. And remember that food isn't the only thing to be sold. People will buy park maps, hats, rain parka, umbrellas, T-shirts, and shot glasses at your Souvenir Stands. Just be sure you have enough restrooms to match these stands. Be sure as well to include paths to these places so as not to get guests lost. Along these paths should also be benches, trash bins, and other items for the guests- enjoyment. It is also possible to include scenery in your park; this is popular among guests. The opposite effect of the natural scenery would be to have flashing lights and neon signs to give a futuristic look, which is also okay. Just be sure to stick with one or the other; guests see a mixture of this as tacky. You have the option of playing a scenario in which you are given an objective (for instance, get a park rating of 600 and a total of 700 guests in your park at the end of your 3rd year.) Or you can play a completely blank game in which you construct a park from the ground up, all items can be researched by your R&D team, and all the land can be purchased. There are 21 scenarios in the game, ranging in difficulty from easy to virtually impossible (obtain a park rating of 900 and a guest total of 1,000 by the end of your 1st year in a park that is totally in shambles.) Some features you can earn later in the game if you really try include hosting your own website (must have 1 scenario completed; costs $100 a month,) putting a dome on your park (must have 6 scenarios completed; costs $13,000 for its initial construction and doubles the price of land you buy; keeps guests dry and rides popular in bad weather,) buying other corporations (must have 10 scenarios completed; cost varies on market value; adds to income and tourist attractions in park,) a golf course (must have 15 scenarios completed; costs $7,500 plus clubhouse fees and requires a large amount of space; boosts tourism and bodes well for chances of hosting a major golf tournament) and the biggest one - lobbying for an expansion franchise in a major sport (must have all 21 scenarios completed; costs $1,000,000 and requires a large amount of space; also costs $50,000 a month for fees; ticket sales will increase dramatically and it is possible to bring home a championship trophy, though you may want to consider firing the GM or the coach if your team sucks.) Who out there wouldn't want at least 123 copies of this game?

Star Fox Racer: Lylat Tour Race your Arwing, land cruiser, or submarine as Fox, Slippy, Falco, Peppy, Star Wolf, Pigma, Andrew, or Leon. Earned characters include General Pepper, James McCloud, and Andross. The game has 20 locations and 40 courses, including places not seen in Star Fox 64. There are eight series with five courses apiece, including Corneria City, Venom Valley, Asteroid Field, Solar Sprint, Area 6, and Macbeth. Also compete in Battle Mode for up to 12 players on eight different courses, and try out four different Deathmatch courses, in which you try to navigate a race course and escape the only one still flying. Play tournaments, round-robins, and franchise modes; in franchise mode you pick a racer and try to earn as much money as possible on races, battles, and selling stuff to buy the circuit. Franchise mode is not open to Andross; sorry.

Steak n Shake 64 Inspired by Lord Vyce's rampage of Funcolands, your mission is to eliminate Steak n Shakes from he face of the Earth. The difference here is that you have to watch where they set up a new one and see if you can keep them from expanding to west of the Mississippi. You play as DEVILRAYS, a disgruntled former employee. Your moves are: 1. Walk into a Steak n Shake wearing some disguise. Order something (anything) and complain about how bad it is (everything they serve is screwed up in some way.) Make a big deal about it and then whip out a blade and attack the manager of the store. 2. When you get in, try to make one of the kids they have working talk, especially the one working fountain. They will tell you about the horrible things management does, such as understaffing intentionally on Sundays and not accounting for call-offs. Get the kids out of there quickly and quietly, though make sure to flatten the ones that are in the hall smoking. 3. Instead of going in and ordering anything, go in disguised as a member of upper management. Grab a megaphone and wander up to the roof and announce that all the overpriced food on the menu is at a discount of whatever you feel like setting. Don't give too good a discount or no one will believe you, though. 4. Hack the server that contains the numbers for every employee's paycheck, and edit their pay. Some employees will quit angrily; if you lower just enough the Steak n Shake managers will get in trouble with the law for paying below minimum wage. However, be VERY careful doing this as a hacker will be suspected if you make changes that are too radical. 5. Come in with a bottle of rum dressed up like an employee and spike the soft drinks. 6. Re-program the cash register in the middle of the night when no one is around (Steak n Shake is open 24/7 so come in dressed as a repairman or something) in such a way that instead of accepting only cash, it accepts everything BUT cash! Or so that it accepts only credit! Travelers' cheques! Diner's Club cards! Japanese yen! Watch as the cashiers become so frustrated they quit in the middle of their shifts! 7. Print stories about Steak n Shakes replacing favorite restaurants on college campuses all over the eastern half of the U.S.! In time, people will become so upset they will boycott Steak n Shake! 8. Start rumors about what they put in their chicken fingers, grilled chicken breasts, fish fillets, onion rings, etc. 9. Come in dressed as the person who's about to take over the drive-thru and speak nothing but Spanish to the drive-thru customers. Or Italian, or if you know Chinese you can really drive your customers crazy. 10. When all else fails, throw a lit match into the deep fryer. You earn points for every teenager who quits or is rescued; you also earn lots of points for lost customers or destroyed stores. The final stage of the game is the original Steak n Shake in Normal, Illinois in which you face down with the CEO of Steak n Shake. You would be crazy not to sack and loot every Steak n Shake in the country to get money for thousands of copies of this game!

Super Mario Collector's Edition This game combines all the past Super Mario games into one. Included are: Super Mario Bros. 1, 2, and 3 from the NES Super Mario Land 1 and 2 from Game Boy Warioland 1 and 2 from Game Boy Super Mario World from SNES Yoshi's Island from SNES The Lost Levels You can save files onto Memory Cards. Games are saved automatically when a world is cleared. Also, for an extra 20 bucks, you get the second chapter of SM Collector's Edition, which includes: Super Mario RPG Super Mario 64 Super Mario Adventure Super Mariokart All-Stars In Super Mariokart All-Stars, there are 12 racers instead of the standard 8, although four of them are secret. There are 24 courses, including some classic ones and some MK64 ones. And that's not all! All 12 racers have a home course separate from the regular 24. Naturally, many of the courses must be earned. Another feature of the game is that if the games are put together, it is possible to play a single Mario game involving all the past ones. The game is in the format of Super Mario 64, with entry to these worlds being through paintings in the castle walls. Stars are collected at the end of each world of Super Mario Bros. 1 and 2 and the Lost Levels. A star is earned for conquest of a Fortress or an Airship in SMB3. Stars are also earned in SMW for conquest of a world or a fortress, or for beating all 5 Star Road stages or all eight secret stages. A Star is earned in Yoshi's Island for defeating any Boss at the middle or the end of a World. In SML, SML2, Warioland, or Warioland 2, a Star is earned at the end of a World. You need Stars to open up new Worlds, and of course the first accessible World is World 1 in SMB1. A Silver Star is earned for defeating the final Boss of any given game; in some games a regular Star is earned along with a silver star (in SMB1 and the Lost Levels when World 8 is cleared, or in SMW when Bowser's Castle is cleared separate from any World.) Earn 50 Stars to open up your choice of SMRPG or SM Adventure; collect the silver star in the game you picked and earn a total of 100 stars to open up the other. Once 10 Silver Stars are earned, including SMRPG and SM Adventure, play the Gallery of Bosses, in which you play against SMB1's Bowser, SMB3's Bowser, SMW's Bowser, Baby Bowser, the Spaceman from SML, Wario from SML2, Captain Syrup from the Warioland games, Smithy from SMRPG, and even Bowser's seven infernal children. The final boss of the game is Kamek, whom you must have all the stars in the game to access.

Take Over the World 64 In this game you play as DEVILRAYS, a 17-year-old nothing with no hair and something resembling a moustache, and he wants to take over the world. You start out armed with nothing but a PC, a 1986 Honda Accord, and a lifetime supply of Dr. Pepper. Start out by starting your own Internet business, something along the lines of a new BBS. Once it's big enough, you can charge membership fees and hire 16-year-old computer junkies and pay them $5.25 an hour like those cheapskates at Media Play. Once you have enough employees, then you can focus on getting lots and lots of money. Take over large corporations via the stock market and eventually swallow up the U.S. Army. Once you own both the military and the government, do the same thing to Russia. Now you control all the world's supply of nukes; just make sure PUDDMANN stays the hell away from the nukes or he will probably use them to destroy the world. Some added challenges are weird cults, neo-Nazi troops, and the Ku Klux Klan. The final battle of the game is when you are locked in a room armed with nothing but a spork and a roll of duct tape with the second coming of Adolf Hitler. Fight this champion of evil to the death, and watch out for cheap techniques, such as summoning lightning, making the walls cave, and sending in other troops. Defeat him one-on-one and nothing stands between you and world domination; lose and the world turns to anarchy, the second coming of Hitler declares ownership of all, and PUDDMANN nukes everyone.

Totalitarian Dictatorships 64 In this game you play as a totalitarian dictator of a small nation with a really powerful army. You can pick an existing nation (excluding a large one) or make one up. There are 11 other rival dictators with whom you have a bet over who can be the most cruel to their people without a revolt. Another thing you can do is attack their nations; your army is strong but your defense is weak. The same is true of the other nations. In addition, don't do anything too drastic, like take over a bunch of other countries, or the United Nations will come in and clean your clock. You win if you win the bet, you own all the other nations, or you defeat the United Nations and become ruler of the world (that will get you the top-secret ending.)

Video Game Combat 64 This game is a multi-genre game following the storyline of "The Complete Video Game Combat Series" on the Creative Writing forum. There are 20 stages, one for each chapter, split into 3 worlds. It is possible to skip some worlds if you do well in the ones before them. So to break down what you do in this game: Chapter I - Play as the Star Fox team just as it is sucked into the alternate world known as the graveyard of game systems. You have to fight off the remains of many failed systems and defeat the troll guarding the graveyard. After this, the team lands at Hyrule Castle to celebrate apparent victory over Sony, but Sony has hired assassins from Microsoft to booby trap Hyrule Castle during the festivities. When you hear of this, take the role of James Bond and lead the civilians out of the castle. You have 15 minutes. Chapter II - Take the role of 007 again and return the favor against Microsoft in this spy mission. Remember that you must not be seen by the assassins and that you have to survive for 20 minutes before Trevelyan comes to your aid as backup. Chapter III - After the time travelers return to 1999, they discover Sony has taken over everything. Emperor Crash Bandicoot throws them in jail; your mission is to break Mario, Luigi, and Wario out of jail and get them to Dr. Andross without being captured again. Chapter IV - After the eventual killers of Miyamoto and Lincoln foil Mario and Luigi's decoy plan, enter a high-speed chase after them and prepae for a shoot-em-up battle at the convention. Kill the gunmen without hurting Miyamoto or Lincoln, and keep the evil Raymond Sword in good condition so he can return to 2010. Chapter V - a tournament of events between Nintendo, Sega, and archenemy Sony gears up, as you take hold of Wario in the 3-way duel, the relay team in the race, Dr. Andross in the puzzle game, Link in the RPG game, and the NHL Breakaway squad in the ice hockey tournament. Win the competition and you can skip Chapter VI; tie and you play it. Chapter VI - take the team laid out for you and defeat a tough NFL Gameday squad in a one-game playoff. Chapter VII - that sore loser Crash Bandicoot has declared anarchy and riot of Game Planet after getting beaten in the tournament, so it's your job to escape with everyone you can. Chapter VIII - in the next series, Chapter VIII consists entirely of FMV and is totally boring and stupid, but is necessary for understanding the next three chapters. Chapter IX - play as Toad in the 20-race tournament to decide who will play for the Nintendo championship. Chapter X - after winning the Mariokart circuit (or finishing second; I gave it to Toad in the series) you now take on some of Nintendo's best. Hopefully, you can defeat the seven other racers without a playoff, but there is no second-place prize. Chapter XI - Indy Hartman awaits in Black Light to counter Neon II. Win the series to take home an $800 million purse; a sweep will net you $1.52 billion. However, if you take a 3-0 lead in the series, your manager will open his big mouth to Bill Gates, and a loss means a drop to an $80 million prize. Chapter XII - Farrell tells you which time scenarios he trapped - two of the three, anyway. Thwart their attempts to destroy your scout team, and then prepare to travel to the end of Game Planet all over again. Chapter XIII - At the last game, meet up with Farrell, free Link, and diffuse the robot that holds him hostage. He will tell you how to defeat the virus-counter he opened up, and now you have to use the computer to overload Sony and spare Sega. You have 12 minutes. Chapter XIV - in the final series, it starts out with the expedition to Crystalis for the stars; however, the only scene of actual play is pretty quick. You have to take at least two quality photos of Wizpig committing treason, and preferrably more. Chapter XV - yet another competition is in order. Play as Toad in the race, Toad again as the driver of the new Neon in the car race, Bowser in the duel, Mario in the puzzle game, Link in the maze, and you can pick your own NHL team for the hockey round-robin **ahem**Red Wings**ahem**...if you win outright you can skip chapters XVI and XVII, but don't count on that. Chapter XVI - pick your own All-Star baseball team and start out the series. Win in six games or less and you can skip Chapter XVII; take it to seven and you can't. Chapter XVII - at Microsoft's home field, play the seventh game of the series to end all series. Chapter XVIII - another chapter consisting mostly of FMV, but you will need the relaxation for the war ahead. Chapter XIX - fight a war here, which includes use of the Pokémon, possible kidnapping, and heavy machinery, and battle to a stalemate and earn your right to hold a robot duel to decide the winner. You must capture at least one star to get here. Chapter XX - the final battle of the game. Super Kamek vs Impact on Crystalis for all the marbles, and remember that your weaponry isn't very accurate since Mario hurt his shoulder and had to be replaced by a cold Knuckles. With all that and a hit point disadvantage, take down Super Kamek for the pride of Nintendo's democracy. Lose, and they own you forever. Win, and no more NOA's. Good luck! You would have to be crazy not to invest in at least 511 copies!

Web Page Class 64 In this game, you play as DEVILRAYS in a slightly insane class of 25 teenagers, and the class is called Web Page Technologies. Needless to say, it's one of the biggest blow-off classes in the school. That and you can get away with just about anything in there. The object of this game, just as it was the last time I posted this idea, is to score as many points as possible. You earn or lose points as follows: Throw the annoying Swartz kid: 100 points Get a new game off him for your graphing calculator: 100 points Watch as he sets a high score on "Racer": -100 points And beat it right back: 200 points Finish the entire Adobe Photoshop book: 300 points Before anybody else: 500 points Finish Photoshop four weeks into the second quarter: -300 points Make a picture on Photoshop by superimposing the heads of famous Communists over the bodies of dogs playing poker: 1000 points Or make a spoof of a teacher: 600 points Or make a spoof of Mace, the Web Page teacher: 1500 points And get caught: 0 points And he just laughs: 2000 points And he throws you out of class: -2000 points Become Mace's tech support guy for the HTML unit: 300 points Stay reasonably calm while giving the biggest idiots in class help: 5000 points Bust the star quarterback for putting the word "nuts" in just about every file name: 4000 points Make the star quarterback deathly afraid of you: 6000 points And Mace calls him a sissy: 20000 points And Mace gets you in trouble: -10000 points Try to comprehend the FrontPage textbook: 0 points And fail miserably: 0 points And actually do it: 20000 points Finish FrontPage in a week: 50000 points Mace says he wants to speak to you about your class grade: -300 points But actually wants you to reserve a Game Boy Color for him at Media Play, where you work: 300 points Post on EZBoard from the computers: 500 points During the FrontPage unit: 5000 points And get caught by Mace: -2000 points Utilize the Alt-Tab feature to successfully cover up the fact that you're at EZBoard: 2000 points But screw it up anyway: -10000 points Watch as Wilson logs on to a porn site: 400 points And learn he did it on Terapak's account: 4000 points Learn that he did it on your account: -4000 points Beat him to a fine pulp for it: 10000 points And get away with it: 150000 points The final exam consists of creating a web page out of FrontPage and Photoshop. You have to have at least 30000 points to reach this stage on regular mode. Your web page will be evaluated on the basis of how many twisted Photoshop images you use, how much use you make of acidtrip.com, and how many images you have of supermodels in bikinis. If you end up scoring well enough on the final exam, you proceed to Web Page Practices, in which you have to create a web page using nothing but a radio and a can of Pepsi and take over the U.S. Government with it.

Who Wants to be a US President? In this game, you play as any Presidential candidate, starting in the primaries. The strongest candidates are obviously Al Gore and George Bush, but you have to beat your own party members. In either the Republican or Democratic primary, you have to win your party's nomination. You can do this either by spending outrageous amounts of money on smear campaigns, making outrageous claims like that you will eliminate all taxes on people with an F in their middle names, and taking embarrassing pictures of your opponents and threatening to show them on national TV. Once you're past this stage, you face the opposing party's candidate in a debate. This is run like a game show, with a committee of Supreme Court justices deciding the winner. Twice during the game you can force your opponent to take a tough question, and twice during the game you will be forced to answer one of his questions. Win over 5 of 9 justices and you're off to the presidential hot seat. Right at this point you're 15 questions from the presidency. Naturally, you are given three lifelines: 50/50, in which you are given a national survey's top two answers to the question; Ask the Audience, in which you sample answers from the 538 Congresspeople, and Phone a Friend, in which you can ask any politician, past or present, the question. If you're stuck you can either stop or BS your way through the question, which may get you through it. The scoring system is just like that of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and how far you get in this round determines how good your ending is. If you miss one of the first five, you completely lose and your opponent is named President. Get all 15 right and you can appoint all new justices and write in any new law of your choice, PLUS you get a salary increase. I don't know about you, but I'll take 33 copies.

Yokels 64 This game is a very twisted RPG. The object is to score a blood-alcohol content of 100 percent, where every beer you drink increases your BAC by .02. You start out in the beginning of the game, of course, with a BAC of .00 and no money; you also have no weapon and no car. Also, unfortunately for your city, beer prices have shot up to $4 a glass, and the bar is the only place to get it. Earn money by - what else? - beating people up. In the beginning of the game you have 50 hit points and your rating is "Loser." The first stage of the game is at Toys R Us, where you fight a Toy, a Little Kid, a Cashier, and a Store Manager. Higher-ranking enemies give you more money. The weapons you earn, and their respective dollar values, are: A CD case (20 dollars,) a rubber chicken ($60,) a walking stick ($100,) a whip ($225,) a sword ($500,) a chainsaw ($1200,) a revolver ($2000,) a machine gun ($5000,) and finally the Cresscent of Satan ($10000 and can only be bought in the last world of the game.) You can spend your money on beer, on weapons, or on vehicles, but remember that the game isn't won until your BAC is 100 and you have beaten the last enemy. The first vehicle you buy is a pair of rollerblades for $50. With this, you can get to Starbucks Coffee, where you fight the coffee machine, the frozen-drink machine, the store manager and the hyper-active businessman. Save up $100 for a bicycle, and you can get into the insane asylum, where you will be welcomed by a man who thinks he's Napoleon, a man who missed a game-winning field goal in the college national championship seven years ago, the receptionist, and a man with a strait-jacket. Beat them up enough and buy yourself a 1963 Dodge Dart (cost: $225,); from there, go to the gas station. Beat up the gas pump, a window, the car wash attendant, and the clown behind the counter that sells cigarettes to minors, and get on with life. Then, once you have $700, buy a 1984 Ford Mustang and go to the amusement park. There, you will have a close encounter with a Tilt-A-Whirl, the man at the cotton-candy stand, the nutcase at the mini-golf stand, and the psychotic raving lunatic who has ridden the roller coaster about 23 times in the past 2 hours. All you need is $2400 and a '96 Toyota Rav4 is yours. Take this to the White House where you will do battle with Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, and Kenneth Starr. Save up $12000 to buy a crappy helicopter that will get you to the Middle East. Then you face a customs officer, a deranged guard, Slobodan Milosevic, and Saddam Hussein. Saving up $24000 is your next goal, as that plus having beaten every Earthly enemy will earn you the Hale-Bopp comet, which will carry you to Hell. You fight a random soul, Cerberus the devil dog, Adolf Hitler, and Charles Manson here. Defeat all four of them to earn Satan's Super Pass, which you must also have $50000 to earn. Only then can you take on Satan, the game's final boss. Your rating is determined by your blood-alcohol content. At first, it is, of course, "Loser." Raise your BAC to 5 and you upgrade to "Piss-ant" and have 60 HP. At 10 you upgrade to "Drunky" and 70 HP. BAC of 20 is "Puking freak" and 80 HP, 30 is "Psychopath" and 90 HP, 50 is "Pure Evil" and 100 HP, and then it really gets good. At a BAC of 70, you become "Public Enemy No. 1" and have 120 HP, and at 90 you upgrade to "Anti-Christ" and have 150 HP. No matter what, you cannot defeat Satan or anyone in Hell unless your rating is "Anti-Christ," and if you are killed, you go back to the last point at which you saved. This game based on the "Yokels" and "HicQuest" games for Texas Instruments graphing calculator.

Yugo 64 In this game you play as a semi-insane college student on summer break. The game starts out in Boston; your goal is to drive the Yugo you and three friends have restored to its original state to Los Angeles. You and those three friends must climb into this piece of crap and get from Boston to LA before the summer is over. You must also stop in Tampa to see your best friend's online girlfriend, but upon reaching her house you discover she's really an undercover police officer. You have to outrun her in her speedy Porsche which she squelched out of her ex-husband by throwing ceam pies and pizzas at her. There are only 8 auto shops left in the United States that sell Yugo parts, and they are scattered across the U.S. Since your car will break down a lot, be sure to stock up on parts. But remember, you're college students - you have only $2,500 between you, which must also be spent on gas, food, and beer. You lose money if you get a ticket for DUI, and if you run out, you have to stop for two weeks and work in a fancy restaurant to earn money or rob a bank or something. You win the game when you reach the UCLA campus, if you do so before September. If you don't make it before then you have to play catch-up with the first semester of work; fail to pass your classes and you get kicked out of college. You also win the game if you find a rich drunk guy with a sport-utility vehicle to whom you can trade the Yugo for the SUV. You lose if he sobers up in enough time to kill you. Who wouldn't want at least 336 copies of this game, one for every time the car breaks down in an average game?