Some funny game ideas from one of the best videogame humorists (who used to be) on the web!

  • Army Men: Combatability
  • Army Men: Sarge's Video Poker
  • Coolboarders Classic
  • Dance Dance Revolution 6
  • Duke Nukem Forever
  • Legends of Wrestling 4
  • New Kids on the Block
  • Resident Evil -2
  • RPG: The Video Game
  • Simpsons Xtreme Skateboarding
  • Super Mario Florist
  • The Matrix

  • Army Men: Combatability

    Sarge needs backup! It's up to your green dot soldier to rally up enough green dot troops to make it to the battlefield in time to help out the green dot Sarge! But watch out! The tan army has a new type of soldier in town! Can the green dot army survive against the new red square tanks, the red square bayonette impalers, and the red square tan army troops? Don't ask why the tan army is red, because the Degenetron can only hand green, red, and black. Lots of black.

    Army Men: Sarge's Video Poker

    With Army Men reaching an all-time high in popularity, a video poker game will be a great addition to the collection. Who knows? Maybe it'll be more interesting than real video poker, as ants may carry cards from your hand away when you least expect it!

    Coolboarders Classic

    Snowboarding is so extreme that whenever I watch it on the X-Games on ESPN, I have the urge to drink Sobe and do a 1080 wall kick off a bald dude's head, OLD SCHOOL! It's no wonder that this idea will be a hit! Using your green dot snowboarder, you must choose one of the many red square snowboards to help you become a snowboarding master! Do extreme stunts like spinning around a lot, jumping really high, and defeat the evil green dot Alpha Team, who all look just like you but don't respond to your controller's commands so they must be evil! Can you become a surfing legend? Oh wait, this is snowboarding, sorry...

    Dance Dance Revolution 6

    It'll be exactly like the first, just like the second one was. But this time, it'll be part six, not part two! WOAH!

    Duke Nukem Forever

    Estimated release date: FOREVER!

    Legends of Wrestling 4

    Okay, it's not even slated for a future release, but if the series goes on this long, Ric Flair may finally retire from professional wrestling altogether. My prediction? There will finally be a LOW game with ALL FOUR HORSEMEN! I can relive those timeless classics, such as the infamous Flair vs. Koloff match in which... Ah, I won't bore you, but it ends with Rhodes chasing the evil Russian team away, thus helping Flair, and the Horsemen running in to help Flair beat up Rhodes. In short, it'll be a great game.

    New Kids on the Block

    Now this game would rock! It'd be structured like the Spice Girls game, only more manly. Like, it'd have more guys "Hangin' Tough" yo! Werd up! Cameo appearances by New Edition and Vanilla Ice! Wigadee, wigadee, homies!

    Resident Evil -2

    A prequel to a prequel to a prequel, Resident Evil -2 makes you take on the role as Jill Valentine... Again... Only instead of having short hair or a police outfit or a blue blouse thing, she is a green dot. You get lost in a mansion full of evil, as the evil red squares try to consume your flesh with their menacing redness. Can Jill survive long enough to save the other green dot, who apparently doesn't have a name because Capcom was too busy working on Resident Evil 4 to give a crap about a game they probably weren't expecting to sell anyway? Only you can make it so, with your green dot knife and your red square bazooka!

    RPG: The Video Game

    Well, venturing the amazing land of the internet, I stumbled upon a website. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "porn", but in reality, it was one of the 20% of websites out there that are non-porn-related. Over yonder at, I found this program called "RPG Toolkit". I've heard great crap about that RPG Maker 2000 program dealie, and maybe a few others, but this program was pretty easy for me to get the hang of. For starters, I can be totally computer illiterate and figure it out. If you can play Tetris, or play Tag, for that matter, it's not that hard to figure out.

    However, like the name suggests, it's for making RPGs, that genre of gaming that combines the amazing world of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons with the angst of goth poetry and overuse of swordplay. Having been waiting for the sequel to Earthbound with no avail, I figured "Hey, Mercury Crusader, why don't YOU make an RPG?" My answer came in two parts: 1) Programming + me = bad idea, and 2) I hate those game genres that combine the amazing world of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons with the angst of goth poetry and overuse of swordplay. Then I figured out that the way this here program works, I could make an RPG out of Tetris blocks fighting the Fighting Foodons in Switzerland with baseball bats. So, I went to work, and am currently making an RPG that isn't about Tetris blocks fighting the Fighting Foodons in Switzerland with baseball bats. Of course, this is in-between my new vice, SimCity 3000 Unlimited (unlike most PC gamers, I wait until the good games get cheap, as in $15 or less), episodes of Hogans Heroes, and Animal Crossing.

    First, I needed a plot. How about angst teen that hates the world but ends up saving it anyway? And his catchphrase could be "Whatever." and he could be a loner that hangs out with stereotypes of RPGs? Naw. It's overused, and last time I checked, angst was becoming a way of life, and I fear for my life when I'm walking around in the dark, seeing as how angst turns teens into the living dead. Well, after careful consideration, I had the solution. I'm just going to throw around old NES crap into an NES backdrop and make really bad jokes and crap! Hooray! I'm on a role! Using the vast amount of NES sprites in the world, and my limited imagination, I could make an RPG that puts Square, Enix, and Panesian to shame!

    Next, I needed a hero. Someone who can lead his or her team into victory! Unfortunately, women aren't cut out to be heroes, as many Final Fantasy games have taught us. So, to remedy this, I looked into the well for female heroines. Well, the only ones that came to mind were Athena and April O'Neil, and last time I checked, both were pretty horrible. Hence, I chose Nightshade. Yes, he fits well into my equation of bad jokes and unknown soldier status. I'll fit others later.

    Finally, I needed enemies. Dragons and Evil Polluting Capitalistic Pig CEOs came quickly to mind, but I realized that I don't like dragons and I'm an evil polluting capitalistic pig, but not a CEO, so using them seems too typical of the modern-day RPG. So I opted for Waddle Dees, Goombas, and those hamburger helmet guys from Mega Man. They rock!

    So the amazing world of my game's main crap is slowly building! However, there are things I need to make my game great. For example, while NES-quality graphics seem great, I also need NES-quality sound. Also... Er... That's about it. I need sound. Here's some crap I would like to get my hands on:

    * Contra/Super C's "End of Stage" music - I thought about it, and I figured, if I want great "battle victory" music, don't turn to Final Fantasy's music. Get a rockin' Contra beat! That works fine!

    * Dr. Mario's "Chill" music - Battle music has to get you all excited about battling, and nothing works better than some action-paced puzzle music!

    * Random Sound Effects - Hit, miss, jump, enemy explosion, you falling down go boom. All of these need a sound. The need for sound effects exceeds all else except for that Contra music. Hopefully, a library of sound effects would be nice. It might not be, you know.

    * Mighty Bomb Jack's main backgroung music - Makes for great town music. Yeah.

    * Suggestion for boss music themes - Anyone?

    As you can see, and probably assess, my means of attaining video game music isn't all too great. With your help, however, the days of symphonies and orchestras playing music will end, once recycled NES music takes the throne again! I'll probably end up throwing in a real song as the game's title music theme thing. More likely than not, it'll be some bumpin' beat from Rush or The Scorpions or maybe Adema... No, maybe not from Adema.

    Help minor RPG developers with no programming experience develop a game built around bad jokes and poor storylines! Only you, FO's message board elite, can help turn a crappy-sounding project, into the game so free, you'll be glad you didn't pay a cent to play it! It'll be done in, like, however long it takes regular RPG Toolkit-users to make a game, times two.

    Simpsons Xtreme Skateboarding

    It'll look exactly like every Tony Hawk game ever made, but will have unresponsive controls and no bonus stuff. But you can control Homer on a skateboard, sucka!

    Super Mario Florist

    The sequel to Super Mario Sunshine will involve Mario taking up a flower shop. A flower shop overrun by turtles and mushrooms! Fun with a gun as Mario waters plants with the new Super Soaker XP 9000!

    The Matrix

    Ha ha! I'm kidding. If they made a game about that movie, I'd shun it. I think there is a game out already by that name. It's called "every FPS ever made."

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