Funny Answering Machine Messages

To the tune of the Barney Theme Song: I'm not here to answer the phone, I'm in the cellar making a clone! So leave your answer after the beep. Thank you! Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep! (Flying Omelette)

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... (Protocool)

"Hi. Now you say something." (Protocool)

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. (Protocool)

Hello. I'm Benji's answering machine. What are you? (Protocool)

Hello, this is Sethra's toaster. Her new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... Cachunk! (Protocool)

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to me, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to my room mate, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (Protocool)

In a bored voice: Heaven, God speaking... (Protocool)

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. (Protocool)

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Miss Kiera's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where she'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? (Protocool)

Darth Vader voice: Speak, worm! (Protocool)

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. (Protocool)

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye. (Protocool)

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. (Protocool)

Recorded during a party: HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB Yeah!! We're having a party!! Come on over! Mike's not home right now!! Look out! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing? BEEP! (Protocool)

I used to have this tape that was the best of Eddie Murphy's Saturday Night Live sketches. There was one part that was a spoof of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood called Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood. (Some of you may remember that.) In one part someone knocks at the door and Eddie Murphy says, "This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood....WHO IS IT?!?!" My friend made a tape recording of "WHO IS IT?!?!" and put that on her answering machine! (Kiera Lordens)

One time (my mother) coughed while recording a message then said, "Excuse me" after she coughed. But when it was played back it sounded like a burp. So, one time the phone rang while I was playing a game, but decided to let the machine answer it. I heard the message and about midway through, I head, "burp, excuse me", then she just continued. It was really funny! (Flying Omelette)

"You know what to do." (Crawl and 1000)

Old Woman's Voice (very seriously): "Hello, we're not home right now...and the answering machine is broke......This is the refrigerator.....If you leave a message, I'll try to stick it on me." (Flying Omelette)

Do you ever get the ones where someone says "Hello!", and there's a long pause, so you think you're talking to an actual person. Then you begin speaking, and after you say about two words you hear, "We can't come to the phone right now.." I REALLY hate that! (Kiera Lordens)

"Hello this is the Matthew's residence we can't come to the phone right now, BE QUIET BACK THERE, so leave a message after the BEEP." The whole time the message is going, my friend is singing in the background, that's why his mom said BE QUIET BACK THERE!!! (Gohan 88)

My brother got in trouble once for putting the Power Rangers theme song on the answering machine. We have no idea how long it had been on there. (James FP)

I once put parakeets singing on my answering machine, but one of my mom's friends complained about it. She called it a "horrible bird message". Old bag! (Kiera Lordens)

"Hello? Helloooo? Who is this? Who are the little people in the phone that talk to you? How do they get in? They sound like people's friends, but I know they're not real. Anyway, we're not home right now, please leave a message." (Spazz the Hedgehog)

I once called someone who had those dogs that bark Christmas carols on their answering machine. (Magnus Crowe)

That's it when I get an answering machine, I'm going to reread this thread. (robox)

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