The Lizeth Marry Reviews

Lizeth Marry is someone who caused our domain webmaster, Flying Omelette, to get banned from a webcomics forum. FO had posted a picture of herself from 1993 and another from 2008 in a topic specifically created for posting pictures of yourself. Lizeth was angry that FO didn't post any pictures from the years in-between, so she complied with his demands and posted some more. Lizeth, for some reason, was unconvinced the photos were real, sent her a scathing email, and kicked her off the forum.

To show that there are no hard feelings over this incident, we here at DHN have allowed Lizeth Marry to review some games and movies for us. Enjoy!

2001: A Space Odyssey

2001: A Space Odyssey starts out with a mesmerizing vignette set in prehistoric times. A group of early ape-like humans discover a strange, perfectly-smooth rectangular object outside of their caves, which bestows upon them the knowledge of using tools. This dialogue-free segment could have been the set up for an epic tale of the evolution of mankind and his place in the universe. But then the unthinkable happens...

A gorilla-man throws a bone into the sky, and the next thing we see is a spaceship.


Score: 4/10

Barack Obama

Some misguided individuals would argue that Obama is a great speaker, has excellent judgment, and that he could fix our broken healthcare system and responsibly end the war in Iraq. Lizeth Marry is here to tell them they're wrong.

Woo-hoo! Palin in da house! Whooptie whoop! Go Palin, it's your birthday! Boo-yah! Blip, blip, blipity-bloop! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Score: 2/10

Citizen Kane

While Orson Welle's alleged epic masterpiece that changed the face of filmmaking was good for its time, the fact is that it's in black and white, and everyone knows that real life is not in black and white. Today we have much more sophisticated entertainment like Dominic Deegan and the Super Bible Belt Saber Lust Babes anime (just make sure you get the subbed version. The dub sucks.)

Score: 3/10

Earthbound (Mother 2)

Earthbound is an innovative RPG set in modern-day America instead of the usual dragons or scifi fantasy worlds of other console RPGs, like Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy. The quirky brainchild of Japanese playwright, Shigesato Itoi, Earthbound features trippy battle scenes and hours of entertainment. There is only one problem...

This game was made many years ago. By now, Ness would be an adult. But you only ever get to see him as a child in this game. That makes the game completely unplayable. Even Funky Winkerbean knows that characters have to grow up sometime.

Score: 7/10

Final Fantasy 4

Although there are those who will claim that Final Fantasy 4 is a timeless classic, that it is the game that influenced all RPGs after it, with a wealth of storyline and character depth and the innovative ATB system that was a huge push forward for the RPG genre, and a musical score to rival the best AAA movies, don't let them fool you. The truth is, there are no facial expressions here, and sprites just don't do it for me. Just ignore any 100-post-long discussions on internet forums that say otherwise.

C'mon, everyone knows this is exactly why reading Marmaduke is so much superior to Shakespeare.

Score: 3/10

The Incredibles

OMG!! OMG!!! This movie is soooo great!! >_< Some will say that all the jokes had been done before, the plot came from an episode of the Real Ghostbusters cartoon, and the whole entire middle of the movie is an angst-fest that's not funny at all. But people who point out those facts are just smug in their opinions.

Still, not enough hentai and anime lesbians. And there should have been at least one scene where Dash is shown completely naked.

Score: 5/10

Katamari Damacy

There are some people who criticized this sleeper hit for having awkward control, poor camera angles, annoying music, and despite all this, still being too short, easy, and shallow, and even the creator of the game itself admits he doesn't like videogames and would rather be designing playgrounds. But you know what? They're just people who want everyone to have the same exact opinions. Don't they know that everything is just opinion and opinions are never wrong? That's why I don't want people who don't like Conker's Bad Fur Day posting on my forums... Because people like that shouldn't expect everyone to have the same opinions.

Unfortunately, when I brought this game home after purchasing it, I realized I made a mistake and thought the title was "Calamari Damacy" and was thus disappointed to find out there was no tentacle porn.

Score: 4/10

Killer 7

Killer7 is the only game that is art because it's deep. With its unique graphics style, twisted political plot, and the Handsome Men subplot (which has nothing to do with the Power Rangers), Killer7 was this close to being the game that had the greatest story of all time. This close.

The problem is that "Suda51" is not the director's real name! If he wants people to take his opinions seriously, then he shouldn't be hiding behind a pseudonym. Also, his company is called "Grasshopper", which proves he is a furry.

Score: 5/10

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

I remember how excited I was when The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time first came out. I actually missed an episode of Sailor Moon so I could get to Funcoland and claim my reserved copy before the store closed and still have enough time left over to return my rented Sailor Scout costume.

Ocarina of Time is the first Zelda game to ever be in 3D. As the hero of time, Link, you will travel through dungeons, fighting monsters and finding weapons on your magnificent quest to defeat Ganon. It is the apex of the N64, and the pinnacle of adventure gaming.

At could've been...

Unfortunately, there is one fatal flaw that ruins this almost-Game of the Century. What is that flaw, you ask?

Link is shown as a child at the beginning of the game. Later in the game, he becomes an adult. Never is Link shown at any age in-between. While I normally consider myself a lenient reviewer, this type of mistake simply can't go unnoticed.

Try harder next time, Miyamoto-San.

Score: 2/10

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Written 8/18/08

Although it's a very long, fun, and challenging NES game with innovative stage designs and fun music and graphics, there's a problem with series continuity. In the cartoon series, there was a scene where the Ninja Turtles evolve from baby turtles to teeange humanoid ninjas. That happens in the opening sequence of this NES translation, too, but the problem is I'm not convinced that all the frames between the first baby turtle and the final adult turtle really exist.

Score: 1/10

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